Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment
when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and
drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the
other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone
got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell
him to be discreet , be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid
to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just
been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his
face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a
terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't
you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was; but useless in a fight."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home
from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all
over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where
have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to
drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his
arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell
out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I
thought I'd gone deaf."
Pat Reardon is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.
"Patty, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But
where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Patty. There was an
accident down at the Guinness brewery"
"Oh, God no!" cries Patty. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Patty. Your husband Jim is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Patty. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout,
and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at
least go quickly?"
"Well, Patty, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
Pat Reardon goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Pat my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed
away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Pat, that's terrible. Tell me, Pat, did he
have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Pat?"
" She says, "He said, 'Please Pat, put down that damn gun...' "
AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional
booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the
drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on
this side either."
when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and
drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the
other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone
got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell
him to be discreet , be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid
to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just
been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his
face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a
terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't
you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was; but useless in a fight."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home
from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all
over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where
have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to
drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his
arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell
out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I
thought I'd gone deaf."
Pat Reardon is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.
"Patty, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But
where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Patty. There was an
accident down at the Guinness brewery"
"Oh, God no!" cries Patty. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Patty. Your husband Jim is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Patty. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout,
and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at
least go quickly?"
"Well, Patty, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
Pat Reardon goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Pat my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed
away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Pat, that's terrible. Tell me, Pat, did he
have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Pat?"
" She says, "He said, 'Please Pat, put down that damn gun...' "
AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional
booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the
drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on
this side either."
