caudio51
BoM Nov '05; Mar '06
This didn't copy the best but I am too lazy to format the whole thing. 
eace:
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast:
>>>>
>
>> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted".
>>
>> Here are the scorecards from the event:
>>
>> Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>> Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
>> could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>>
>> Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>>
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
>> taken seriously.
>> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
>>
>> Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>>
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
>> beans.
>> Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all
the beer.
>>
>> Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
>>
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
>> for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
>> barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB.
bitch is starting to look HOT . . . just like this nuclear waste I'm
>> eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>>
>> Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
>> adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
>> Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
>> Screw those rednecks!
>>
>> Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
>> balance of spices and peppers.
>> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
>> and garlic. Superb.
>> Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
>> except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't
feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>>
>> Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
>> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
>> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
>> world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
like poop to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>>
>> Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
>> bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
>> nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
hot chili?
eace: The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast:
>>>>
>
>> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted".
>>
>> Here are the scorecards from the event:
>>
>> Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>> Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
>> could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>>
>> Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>>
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
>> taken seriously.
>> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
>>
>> Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>>
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
>> beans.
>> Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all
the beer.
>>
>> Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
>>
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
>> for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
>> barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB.
bitch is starting to look HOT . . . just like this nuclear waste I'm
>> eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>>
>> Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
>> adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
>> Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
>> Screw those rednecks!
>>
>> Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
>> balance of spices and peppers.
>> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
>> and garlic. Superb.
>> Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
>> except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't
feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>>
>> Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
>> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
>> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
>> world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
like poop to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>>
>> Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
>> bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
>> nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
hot chili?
