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Glitter spray

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Mar 18, 2014
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Herriman Utah
Yesterday I tried to kill a spider by soaking it in glitter spray, Problem is now it won't stop stripping and it insists on being called Cinnimon.
 
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Jun 2, 2013
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Excelsior, MN
So… theres a middle-aged man out cutting his grass. He notices 2 kids walking down the street with a roll of chicken wire. He asks the kids, "What are you doing with that?". The one kid replies, "Going to catch chickens." "Well, thats never going to work" he says. About an hour later the kids are walking down the street with their hands and arms full of chickens.
The next day the old man is out sitting on the porch. The same 2 kids are walking down the road with duct tape. He asks the kids, "What are you doing with that?". The one kid replies, "Going to catch some ducks." "Well, thats never going to work" he says again. About an hour later the kids are walking down the street with their hands and arms full of ducks.
The following day he's out weeding and he notices the same 2 kids walking down the road. This time they have pussy-willows in their hands. As they get closer, he says to the kids "Give me a second boys, I'm going to get my hat"!!!!!!!!!!
 

Ducttapegonewild

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Dec 7, 2013
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Location
Hurst Texas USA
A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle is a mess—it has one eye that's black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The guy notices a dog laying down on the other side of the bar.
The bartender asks the man, "My gosh! What's wrong with your turtle?"

"Absolutely nothing," the man responds. "In fact, this turtle is very fast. Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there on your side."

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. The guy puts his turtle on the floor and the bartender goes to the other side of the bar. On the count of three, he calls his dog.

Suddenly, the guy picks up his turtle and throws it against the wall.

"Told you he'd be there before your dog. Pay up!"
 
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Oct 27, 2012
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Location
Orlando, FL
So… theres a middle-aged man out cutting his grass. He notices 2 kids walking down the street with a roll of chicken wire. He asks the kids, "What are you doing with that?". The one kid replies, "Going to catch chickens." "Well, thats never going to work" he says. About an hour later the kids are walking down the street with their hands and arms full of chickens.
The next day the old man is out sitting on the porch. The same 2 kids are walking down the road with duct tape. He asks the kids, "What are you doing with that?". The one kid replies, "Going to catch some ducks." "Well, thats never going to work" he says again. About an hour later the kids are walking down the street with their hands and arms full of ducks.
The following day he's out weeding and he notices the same 2 kids walking down the road. This time they have pussy-willows in their hands. As they get closer, he says to the kids "Give me a second boys, I'm going to get my hat"!!!!!!!!!!
Bwahahahahaha!!!!
 
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Aug 2, 2014
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Location
Northern NY
Guy walks into a clock repair shop, unzips his pants, and throws it up on the counter. The girl behind the counter says "Oh, but sir, this is a clock repair shop!"
Guy says "Yeah, I know. I'd like a couple of hands put on this!"
 
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