Child Behavior Issues

[memphsdad]

G'day Gents -
Lately, my son has been having some behavioral issues and I wanted to see if any of you guys have experienced something similar with your children. He turned 5 back in January, he's a very smart boy and I'm not just saying that as his father. His attitude issues seem to go beyond the general 5 year old behavior problems/tantrums. 95% of the time, maybe more, he is a real sweet kid and pretty well behaved. Sometimes though, it is like a switch goes off and he can not bring himself back to a calm state. His mother and I are not together, but we are very civil and communicate on a daily basis in his regard. This is not a single household problem, it happens in both places and occasionally it happens in school (daycare) as well. We have tried everything from talking with him, to spanking, to removing things he enjoys as a punishment, but nothing seems to work. I really don't know what I am expecting to get with this post, but I figured I would see if anyone has been through this and has any words of advice.

Jon

 

[ar2381]

Jon, have you tried taking him to a Behavioral Child Psychologist/Therapist? My nephew is five, and my brother and his wife had a similar issue. After going to a therapist they noticed a lot of improvement.

 

[memphsdad]

Jon, have you tried taking him to a Behavioral Child Psychologist/Therapist? My nephew is five, and my brother and his wife had a similar issue. After going to a therapist they noticed a lot of improvement.

We have an appointment scheduled for next month. I really would prefer to avoid it at all costs though, not a fan of clinical therapy.

 

[ar2381]

We have an appointment scheduled for next month. I really would prefer to avoid it at all costs though, not a fan of clinical therapy.

It's helpful...trust me. They can run tests to see if maybe it's related to a learning disability, anxiety issues, or attention deficit issues. It's nothing to worry about. Also, the behavorist can work on certain exercises with you and the child that can help with behavior.

 

[sean]

My 7 year old is pretty much the same.

Have you tried the old diet adjustment? Increasing excersize?

My boy, while he fought any physical activity, got waaaaay into exercise once he got rolling. Now when he starts to get sassy, wound up, or worked into a raging fit, we throw him in the pool to do laps or I'll shoot hoops with him. He also loves goofing off with my music-making software, or going to town on my drums.

Oh, and we've become a candy - minimal house... fun times.

 

[memphsdad]

My 7 year old is pretty much the same.

Have you tried the old diet adjustment? Increasing excersize?

My boy, while he fought any physical activity, got waaaaay into exercise once he got rolling. Now when he starts to get sassy, wound up, or worked into a raging fit, we throw him in the pool to do laps or I'll shoot hoops with him. He also loves goofing off with my music-making software, or going to town on my drums.

Oh, and we've become a candy - minimal house... fun times.

Diet adjustment is something we have been working on. It is not easy, but we're getting there lol.

He loves physical activity and we do as much of it as we can. I can usually keep him pretty active at home, but when he is at his mom's apartment or at school is another story.

 

[sean]

Diet adjustment is something we have been working on. It is not easy, but we're getting there lol.

He loves physical activity and we do as much of it as we can. I can usually keep him pretty active at home, but when he is at his mom's apartment or at school is another story.

Dang, do you and mom see any correlation between activity levels and the intensity/frequency of the outbursts?

 

[ar2381]

Jon, I wouldn't stress too much about this stuff. It probably seems scary as a parent as you were about the well being of your child, but kids often mature at different ages. I tested for ADHD and learning disabilities as a small child, but later excelled at school. I also had disciplinary issues as a child, but eventually those went away. Kids mature at different ages, so it's not something too overly stress about...even though as parents you're naturally inclined to worry.

 

[memphsdad]

Dang, do you and mom see any correlation between activity levels and the intensity/frequency of the outbursts?

Well, typically (surprise surprise) the outburst tends to start when he is being forced to do things he doesn't feel he should be doing. It may be cleaning up, stopping playing with a toy or doing something he enjoys, or eating food aside from what he feels is appropriate. With his mother and I, his outbursts typically occur mid-day to evening when he is beat tired but refuses to nap or even attempt to. We have instilled a mandatory quiet time, where he has to lay down for at least an hour isolated in his room, which has definitely helped.

At school however, I have no idea where his outbursts are coming from. It stems from the same product of being told to do something he doesn't want to do, but how he gets to the point of total meltdown is beyond me. His teachers are really great, and he will do great for 3-4 weeks, but then 2 or 3 days in a row he has major meltdowns. So much so, that it is cause for a concern because I do not know how much of it they will tolerate before they tell us to kick rocks.

 

[memphsdad]

Jon, I wouldn't stress too much about this stuff. It probably seems scary as a parent as you were about the well being of your child, but kids often mature at different ages. I tested for ADHD and learning disabilities as a small child, but later excelled at school. I also had disciplinary issues as a child, but eventually those went away. Kids mature at different ages, so it's not something too overly stress about...even though as parents you're naturally inclined to worry.

Alan, the main cause for concern is that he is acting to a point where I have to worry about his school asking us to find a new place to go. When he is with me, as frustrating as it can be, I can handle it. I can't, however, receive calls at work asking me to come pick up my son or talk to him on the phone because he can't bring himself back to a normal level. That is my main issue. His daycare is very affordable for his mother and I, and if he has to go somewhere else it would not benefit us in any way.

 

[sean]

Yeah... i think that may be par for the course. Getting my son to do anything he doesn't want to do is an exercise in patience and a battle of the wills. And when he's beat-tired, he's a blubbering mess.

Does he get easily frustrated? Is he affraid to try new things?

 

[ar2381]

Alan, the main cause for concern is that he is acting to a point where I have to worry about his school asking us to find a new place to go. When he is with me, as frustrating as it can be, I can handle it. I can't, however, receive calls at work asking me to come pick up my son or talk to him on the phone because he can't bring himself back to a normal level. That is my main issue. His daycare is very affordable for his mother and I, and if he has to go somewhere else it would not benefit us in any way.

This is the exact same situation my nephew was in. He turned five after the school year began, so he was still in preschool. My brother and his wife got him into a program for kids with similar issues where he would be in an actual elementary school (with real educational professionals) in a kindergarten class for kids with these sort of issues. Four months later he hasn't had any meltdowns. They also put him a medication that has a little ritalin, but isn't a full dosage. His teachers say he has been perfect. He feels like a big boy going to a real school, and taking the school bus everyday. I think being in a real educational environment with teachers who are more knowledgeably about education helped tremendously.

 

[squaresoft]

its sounds to me like it might be anxiety related to be honest. I've had personal experience with it myself and through my nephew also, and it's not really external conditions that trigger it it's just body chemistry working in a weird way and it's really important to understand that for anyone going through it, because you're always thinking "why am i like this or why is this happening and it compounds on itself because you can't figure it out" I dunno it's hard to describe. but if he has times when he gets upset for an unknown reason and just can't seem to work it out and kinda spirals more and more...that sounds like anxiety disorder to me

 

[Kantucky]

My five year old is similar. While it doesn't always work, diet adjustment could help. If we are consciously making him avoid sugar (and red dye) he seems to behave better.

 

[navyvet]

I am pro, therepist where some times it can take months to see results. Once you find the solution everyone will be happy and not worrying so much.

 

[UnBanded]

Unless the child's behavior poses a physical threat to himself or others, be patient and don't worry. My 7yo is a spoiled punk, but a great kid. In public, at school, etc. he'smsmart as a whip and an angel. At home, he can be a real asshole...and usually towards the Wife (probably because she's an easy target). Look, this may sound archaic but he's acting like a boy....wired for chaos. For me, a good old fashion guilt trip works the best to remedy a situation, teaching him cause and effect. For example, "The more mess you make, the more time I have a spend cleaning and less time I get spend with you playing".

However, if I were to seek the services of a professional, I won't let the child know it (or anybody else for that matter). Last thing that I want is my child feeling "different" or his friends to ostracize him.

 

[boltman]

My kids are all grown now @memphsdad but 80-90% of their meltdowns could be remedied by asking two questions. Does the kid have low blood sugar (does he need to eat) and does the kid need sleep. Generally we tried to get those two things taken care of before we worried about deeper behavioral issues. That and being consistent solved a lot of problems before they got out of hand.

 

[ZippoGeek]

@UnBanded brings up a good point that we experienced a lot with our son (and I sure many parents do): they act like angels and endear themselves to do everyone EXCEPT mom and dad. so invariably the little buggers will take time from their busy schedule to make your lives more...interesting. To them, it's "safe" to do do so because they know your love is unconditional! While my wife and I were beating our heads on the wall for my son's antics (NOT a well-behaved child; he almost jumped over Niagara Falls once!!), things at school were the exact opposite. He was a perfect angel .

@memphsdad : "This too shall pass!" The important thing is to stay the course. They're masters of manipulation, so don't let him outwit you. Recognize when you're being made to play the sucker! Keep a level head and punish him firmly and fairly. Explain to him WHY he was punished using the if this / then that method. "It's not nice to yell at mom/dad; you weren't nice, so you're taking a 15 minute time-out." If that doesn't work -- remove him entirely from the situation. If he wants to throw a fit...ignore it. Eventually, he'll realize he's not going to get a rise out of mom and dad any more. It will feel like a losing battle at times. But there are many battles in a war.

When he starts turning the corner (and he will ), PRAISE HIM for his good character and give him lots of hugs and high-fives. Boys eat that stuff up! If we focus too much on their negatives, kids will develop a more pessimistic outlook. So our praise-to-criticism ratio should be about 5:1. Correct his bad behaviors, yes -- then remind him of all that other stuff he's doing well!

And a little end note: our destructive, problematic child ended up being "Man of the Year" at high school graduation for Christian character, academics and service. The most satisfying day of my life. Stay the course, brother!

 

[memphsdad]

Unless the child's behavior poses a physical threat to himself or others, be patient and don't worry. My 7yo is a spoiled punk, but a great kid. In public, at school, etc. he'smsmart as a whip and an angel. At home, he can be a real asshole...and usually towards the Wife (probably because she's an easy target). Look, this may sound archaic but he's acting like a boy....wired for chaos. For me, a good old fashion guilt trip works the best to remedy a situation, teaching him cause and effect. For example, "The more mess you make, the more time I have a spend cleaning and less time I get spend with you playing".

However, if I were to seek the services of a professional, I won't let the child know it (or anybody else for that matter). Last thing that I want is my child feeling "different" or his friends to ostracize him.

My kids are all grown now @memphsdad but 80-90% of their meltdowns could be remedied by asking two questions. Does the kid have low blood sugar (does he need to eat) and does the kid need sleep. Generally we tried to get those two things taken care of before we worried about deeper behavioral issues. That and being consistent solved a lot of problems before they got out of hand.

@UnBanded brings up a good point that we experienced a lot with our son (and I sure many parents do): they act like angels and endear themselves to do everyone EXCEPT mom and dad. so invariably the little buggers will take time from their busy schedule to make your lives more...interesting. To them, it's "safe" to do do so because they know your love is unconditional! While my wife and I were beating our heads on the wall for my son's antics (NOT a well-behaved child; he almost jumped over Niagara Falls once!!), things at school were the exact opposite. He was a perfect angel .

@memphsdad : "This too shall pass!" The important thing is to stay the course. They're masters of manipulation, so don't let him outwit you. Recognize when you're being made to play the sucker! Keep a level head and punish him firmly and fairly. Explain to him WHY he was punished using the if this / then that method. "It's not nice to yell at mom/dad; you weren't nice, so you're taking a 15 minute time-out." If that doesn't work -- remove him entirely from the situation. If he wants to throw a fit...ignore it. Eventually, he'll realize he's not going to get a rise out of mom and dad any more. It will feel like a losing battle at times. But there are many battles in a war.

When he starts turning the corner (and he will ), PRAISE HIM for his good character and give him lots of hugs and high-fives. Boys eat that stuff up! If we focus too much on their negatives, kids will develop a more pessimistic outlook. So our praise-to-criticism ratio should be about 5:1. Correct his bad behaviors, yes -- then remind him of all that other stuff he's doing well!

And a little end note: our destructive, problematic child ended up being "Man of the Year" at high school graduation for Christian character, academics and service. The most satisfying day of my life. Stay the course, brother!

Gentlemen, I appreciate all of the feedback. One of the best things about BOTL, imo, is the ability to bring almost any topic to the table and have a healthy discussion. I agree with most of what you guys have said, and try to hold myself to the standards of what I feel makes a good parent. Thank you for reaching out.

@UnBanded - I completely agree in regards to the professional help. For us, it will be the absolute last and final step. Both his mother and I have our own experiences with being pushed toward it as children and it negatively effecting us.
@boltman - You bring up a great point about the low blood sugar! I know that when his school doesn't provide food that he 'wants' to eat then he will just go without, and there is a really good chance that this is contributing to the problem.
@ZippoGeek - The type of parenting you described is the way that I try to raise him. It doesn't always work out that way (because parents have breaking points too, LOL), but for the most part I feel we are on the right path!

 

[UnBanded]

Good luck Memphs. You'll be ok. At least they behave when they're asleep.