Cigar Jokes
- Thread starter caudio51
- Start date
Greg
BoM October 2006
A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."
cvm4
BoM - July '05 & Dec. '10
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now, " said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.
"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked."
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them, " said the lawyer.
"But I did send them, " said the defendant.
"What?? You did?"
"Yes, That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand, " said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."
"It's in the judge's hands now, " said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.
"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked."
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them, " said the lawyer.
"But I did send them, " said the defendant.
"What?? You did?"
"Yes, That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand, " said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."
cvm4
BoM - July '05 & Dec. '10
All The Better To Light Your Cigar...
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opened his golf bag and out popped the genie.
The friend turned to the genie and said, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said.
"I wish for a million bucks!"
The genie hopped back into the golf bag and left him standing there waiting for his wish to be delivered. Suddenly the sky began to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead was heard.
The friend turned to his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
"I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opened his golf bag and out popped the genie.
The friend turned to the genie and said, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said.
"I wish for a million bucks!"
The genie hopped back into the golf bag and left him standing there waiting for his wish to be delivered. Suddenly the sky began to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead was heard.
The friend turned to his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
"I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"
I know this thread is crazy old but I found this joke on Reddit today and figured I'd share with you guys.
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.
As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. I noticed your Drew Estates t-shirt, you smoke Drew Estate Cigars?"
Guy: "Sure, I love DE."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, smoke Liga Privada's, Flying Pigs, T52's...it's awesome!"
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You like Cuban cigars?"
Guy: "You better believe it!"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest aged Cuban cigars...some of them are pre-embargo and they're in perfect condition!"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like Padron's."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do!"
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays that's all we smoke. 1926's, 1964's...and everything you could imagine."
Guy: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about Opus X cigars...do you like those?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? I love Opus X!! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is Opus X day. Help yourself to a great big walk-in humidor of every Opus X cigar ever made."
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No..."
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.
As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. I noticed your Drew Estates t-shirt, you smoke Drew Estate Cigars?"
Guy: "Sure, I love DE."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, smoke Liga Privada's, Flying Pigs, T52's...it's awesome!"
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You like Cuban cigars?"
Guy: "You better believe it!"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest aged Cuban cigars...some of them are pre-embargo and they're in perfect condition!"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like Padron's."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do!"
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays that's all we smoke. 1926's, 1964's...and everything you could imagine."
Guy: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about Opus X cigars...do you like those?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? I love Opus X!! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is Opus X day. Help yourself to a great big walk-in humidor of every Opus X cigar ever made."
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No..."
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk