architeuthis
I see what you're doing!!
Q. I smoke cigars, but don't want my breath to smell like I smoke
cigars. How can I get rid of cigar breath?
A. You can't. It doesn't matter how many times you click your heels
together and wish, Dorothy, if you smoke cigars, you're going to smell
like a cigar smoker. Get over it.
Q. Should I remove the cello from my cigars before I put them in the
humidor?
A. Whether or not you wrap your torpedo is an intensely personal
choice. Please realize that you and whomever smokes your robusto will
have to live with the consequences of your actions, and then let your
conscience be your guide. Don't feel you have to share at this level
with the group.
Q. What is PG?
A. It's what might result from removing the cellophane from your cigar
before putting it in the humidor.
Q. Can I convert a refrigerator/china cabinet/blanket chest/closet into
a humidor?
A. Sure, and you can convert your family room into a garage. Go get
'em, tiger!
Q. I just bought a bunch of cigars but I don't have a humidor. What can
I do to keep them fresh?
A. Go ahead and put them in a ziplock bag. That should keep them fresh
for the two or three days it will take you to complete a course on
project planning and scheduling.
Q. I have a box of cigars that have something fuzzy on them, is it mold
or plume?
A. Please hold the cigar closer to the monitor, I can't quite make it
out.
Q. Sometimes when I smoke a powerful cigar I get dizzy and nauseous.
What causes that?
A. It's probably just a mild case of nicotine poisoning. On the other
hand, it could be a symptom of a horrible tropical disease. If it goes
away by itself after an hour or two, you'll probably be fine.
Q. What is a good beverage to drink while I smoke a cigar?
A. Anything that you are not allergic to and that is intended for human
consumption will probably be fine. Very few potable liquids produce
unsatisfactory reactions when mixed with cigar smoke. Go ahead, live a
little.
Q. I'm having a baby/getting married/having a bar mitzvah/starting a
business, what is a good cigar to give out?
A. Occasions like these are the perfect reason to keep the bands from
your good cigars. Put them on Connies and gift away. It's the same
idea as when you take a handful of business cards from the "Win a Free
Dinner" fishbowl on the counter at Denny's so you can hand them out
later at the strip club.
Q. Can I bring Cuban cigars into the US even though the law clearly says
I can't?
A. Sure, just tuck them in your suitcase with a couple of small bindles
of heroin. Try not to sweat and glance furtively around the customs
area while you're in line. Act cool.
Q. What will happen if I'm caught?
A. If you've tucked them in with the heroin as suggested, the Cuban
cigars will be the least of your problems.
Q. I bought a cigar from this place that I went to. It's a Don
Somethingorother. What will it taste like?
A. Chances are the cigar will either taste good or it won't. Some folks
like that particular brand, others don't see the attraction. Here's a
novel idea, smoke it and see.
Q. My humidor is too wet/dry. What should I do?
A. Panic. Having a humidor that is too wet/dry is the single most
devastating thing that can happen to a person. Seek professional help
immediately, before the rash gets too bad, and avoid scratching the
afflicted area.
Q. My wife/husband/partner doesn't hold the same fascination for cigars
that I do, and wants me to quit. What can I do?
A. Trade your cigars for an accordion. Play obsessively. Wait two
weeks and politely ask her/him again. If necessary, trade for a drum
set.
Q. Someone offered me a "Cuban cigar" that was obviously fake. Should I
tell the person he's been horked?
A. Sure, and make sure and point out what you really think of his Snoopy
tie and tell his kids that there's no Santa Claus while you're on a
roll. People crave honesty.
Q. I smoke cigars in my office/car/house. Is there an air filter that
will get rid of the smell?
A. I've never tried one, but I hear that the tornado seeds that Wile E.
Coyote buys from ACME will help. Other than that, you're hosed.
Q. My friend says he found a tiny hole in his cigar. He wants to know how
it got there?
A. Tiny round holes that appear in cigars are usually caused by one of
two things. It's likely that either your friend had an outbreak of tobacco
beetles (Lasioderma serricorne,) or an oversexed mouse with a tobacco
fetish is humping his stash.
Q. Should I keep the band on my cigar?
A. That depends on your taste in music.
Q. I want to smoke in my car, will it stink?
A. Generally speaking, smoking a cigar in your vehicle will not noticeably
change the aroma of the cigar. So the answer is no, unless you are
smoking a Papayo, a Tamboril, a Phillies Strawberry, a Lars, an Acid, or a
diNobili, in which case not only will it stink, but people will think you're
mentally defective.
Q. How should I hold the cigar? I mean pool stick style or with 4 fingers
on top and thumb on the bottom?
A. Normally, as with other grips, I'd recommend whatever feels best to
you; however, after a brief Internet image search, it's clear that pool cue
style seems to be preferred by women, old guys, male models, and
musicians of questionable sexual orientation, while the 4 finger grip is
linked with Winston Churchill, JFK, professional wrestlers, and steely-eyed
military men. So if you're not alone, I guess it depends on what look you
are going for.
Q: Is it best to smoke the cigar from the side of your mouth or in the
middle of your mouth?
A. This generally depends on altitude, vector, and prevailing winds. Try to
position the cigar so as to avoid smoke drifting directly back into your
eyes, especially on a difficult approach. Of course, when dealing with a
bad cold sore, all bets are off.
Q: A female friend of mine told me she has a cigar fetish, what do you
recommend I should do?
A. Dip your penis in brown shoe polish and slip a Cohiba band over the
head. If that doesn't work, try a double corona.
Q. What's the best lighter?
A. For brush fires, I get good results from an old tire filled with an 8:2
mix of #2 diesel and regular unleaded gasoline. The only negative side
effect
I've noticed is hair and eyebrow loss on windy days, but then I've
experienced the same when using a Blazer PB-207 to light my cigar after
a bad drunk, so I guess it's a wash.
Q. What type of cutter should I buy?
A. I'm glad you asked; I wrote my 813 page graduate thesis on this
subject. Without going into a million boring details I'll just skip to the
last paragraph: Two words - Zee No!
Q. What's the proper technique for lighting my cigar?
A. While there are countless variations on the theme, the general idea is
this: Hold to face. Apply flame. Suck. Don't get all bogged down in details,
focus on results. And don't worry about getting it wrong. The good news is
that even a blind monkey with a learning disability has a 50% chance of
igniting the correct end, so we're starting from a position of strength.
Q. I've fallen and I can't get it up...Which cigar should I smoke?...
A. Take it easy there, Phil, help is on the way. I found a blonde
nymphomaniac student nurse that loves Irish setters and petit coronas.
Sprinkle a little water on your nose to make it wet, and when she gets
there try to look look red, fluffy and dumb. Oh, and try not to sniff her in
an inappropriate place --- at first.
Q. If I keep smoking cigars will it make my schlong grow??
A. That depends. Do you like the taste of shoe polish? Sometimes Freud
was right; a cigar is just a cigar.
Q. I've run out of bourbon; my humidor is too wet, and my checking
account is too low, and my credit card balances are way too high!
Whatever am I to do???????
A. This goes way beyond the subject of cigars, with which I am most
familiar, so I can only tell you what has worked well for others in the
past. Move to Massachusetts, become a senator, and marry an heiress -
not necessarily in that order. Oh, and you might want to learn from the
mistakes of others and not marry an heiress that looks like a Yeti. Unless
you're into that.
<Unabashedly stolen from somebody else>
cigars. How can I get rid of cigar breath?
A. You can't. It doesn't matter how many times you click your heels
together and wish, Dorothy, if you smoke cigars, you're going to smell
like a cigar smoker. Get over it.
Q. Should I remove the cello from my cigars before I put them in the
humidor?
A. Whether or not you wrap your torpedo is an intensely personal
choice. Please realize that you and whomever smokes your robusto will
have to live with the consequences of your actions, and then let your
conscience be your guide. Don't feel you have to share at this level
with the group.
Q. What is PG?
A. It's what might result from removing the cellophane from your cigar
before putting it in the humidor.
Q. Can I convert a refrigerator/china cabinet/blanket chest/closet into
a humidor?
A. Sure, and you can convert your family room into a garage. Go get
'em, tiger!
Q. I just bought a bunch of cigars but I don't have a humidor. What can
I do to keep them fresh?
A. Go ahead and put them in a ziplock bag. That should keep them fresh
for the two or three days it will take you to complete a course on
project planning and scheduling.
Q. I have a box of cigars that have something fuzzy on them, is it mold
or plume?
A. Please hold the cigar closer to the monitor, I can't quite make it
out.
Q. Sometimes when I smoke a powerful cigar I get dizzy and nauseous.
What causes that?
A. It's probably just a mild case of nicotine poisoning. On the other
hand, it could be a symptom of a horrible tropical disease. If it goes
away by itself after an hour or two, you'll probably be fine.
Q. What is a good beverage to drink while I smoke a cigar?
A. Anything that you are not allergic to and that is intended for human
consumption will probably be fine. Very few potable liquids produce
unsatisfactory reactions when mixed with cigar smoke. Go ahead, live a
little.
Q. I'm having a baby/getting married/having a bar mitzvah/starting a
business, what is a good cigar to give out?
A. Occasions like these are the perfect reason to keep the bands from
your good cigars. Put them on Connies and gift away. It's the same
idea as when you take a handful of business cards from the "Win a Free
Dinner" fishbowl on the counter at Denny's so you can hand them out
later at the strip club.
Q. Can I bring Cuban cigars into the US even though the law clearly says
I can't?
A. Sure, just tuck them in your suitcase with a couple of small bindles
of heroin. Try not to sweat and glance furtively around the customs
area while you're in line. Act cool.
Q. What will happen if I'm caught?
A. If you've tucked them in with the heroin as suggested, the Cuban
cigars will be the least of your problems.
Q. I bought a cigar from this place that I went to. It's a Don
Somethingorother. What will it taste like?
A. Chances are the cigar will either taste good or it won't. Some folks
like that particular brand, others don't see the attraction. Here's a
novel idea, smoke it and see.
Q. My humidor is too wet/dry. What should I do?
A. Panic. Having a humidor that is too wet/dry is the single most
devastating thing that can happen to a person. Seek professional help
immediately, before the rash gets too bad, and avoid scratching the
afflicted area.
Q. My wife/husband/partner doesn't hold the same fascination for cigars
that I do, and wants me to quit. What can I do?
A. Trade your cigars for an accordion. Play obsessively. Wait two
weeks and politely ask her/him again. If necessary, trade for a drum
set.
Q. Someone offered me a "Cuban cigar" that was obviously fake. Should I
tell the person he's been horked?
A. Sure, and make sure and point out what you really think of his Snoopy
tie and tell his kids that there's no Santa Claus while you're on a
roll. People crave honesty.
Q. I smoke cigars in my office/car/house. Is there an air filter that
will get rid of the smell?
A. I've never tried one, but I hear that the tornado seeds that Wile E.
Coyote buys from ACME will help. Other than that, you're hosed.
Q. My friend says he found a tiny hole in his cigar. He wants to know how
it got there?
A. Tiny round holes that appear in cigars are usually caused by one of
two things. It's likely that either your friend had an outbreak of tobacco
beetles (Lasioderma serricorne,) or an oversexed mouse with a tobacco
fetish is humping his stash.
Q. Should I keep the band on my cigar?
A. That depends on your taste in music.
Q. I want to smoke in my car, will it stink?
A. Generally speaking, smoking a cigar in your vehicle will not noticeably
change the aroma of the cigar. So the answer is no, unless you are
smoking a Papayo, a Tamboril, a Phillies Strawberry, a Lars, an Acid, or a
diNobili, in which case not only will it stink, but people will think you're
mentally defective.
Q. How should I hold the cigar? I mean pool stick style or with 4 fingers
on top and thumb on the bottom?
A. Normally, as with other grips, I'd recommend whatever feels best to
you; however, after a brief Internet image search, it's clear that pool cue
style seems to be preferred by women, old guys, male models, and
musicians of questionable sexual orientation, while the 4 finger grip is
linked with Winston Churchill, JFK, professional wrestlers, and steely-eyed
military men. So if you're not alone, I guess it depends on what look you
are going for.
Q: Is it best to smoke the cigar from the side of your mouth or in the
middle of your mouth?
A. This generally depends on altitude, vector, and prevailing winds. Try to
position the cigar so as to avoid smoke drifting directly back into your
eyes, especially on a difficult approach. Of course, when dealing with a
bad cold sore, all bets are off.
Q: A female friend of mine told me she has a cigar fetish, what do you
recommend I should do?
A. Dip your penis in brown shoe polish and slip a Cohiba band over the
head. If that doesn't work, try a double corona.
Q. What's the best lighter?
A. For brush fires, I get good results from an old tire filled with an 8:2
mix of #2 diesel and regular unleaded gasoline. The only negative side
effect
I've noticed is hair and eyebrow loss on windy days, but then I've
experienced the same when using a Blazer PB-207 to light my cigar after
a bad drunk, so I guess it's a wash.
Q. What type of cutter should I buy?
A. I'm glad you asked; I wrote my 813 page graduate thesis on this
subject. Without going into a million boring details I'll just skip to the
last paragraph: Two words - Zee No!
Q. What's the proper technique for lighting my cigar?
A. While there are countless variations on the theme, the general idea is
this: Hold to face. Apply flame. Suck. Don't get all bogged down in details,
focus on results. And don't worry about getting it wrong. The good news is
that even a blind monkey with a learning disability has a 50% chance of
igniting the correct end, so we're starting from a position of strength.
Q. I've fallen and I can't get it up...Which cigar should I smoke?...
A. Take it easy there, Phil, help is on the way. I found a blonde
nymphomaniac student nurse that loves Irish setters and petit coronas.
Sprinkle a little water on your nose to make it wet, and when she gets
there try to look look red, fluffy and dumb. Oh, and try not to sniff her in
an inappropriate place --- at first.
Q. If I keep smoking cigars will it make my schlong grow??
A. That depends. Do you like the taste of shoe polish? Sometimes Freud
was right; a cigar is just a cigar.
Q. I've run out of bourbon; my humidor is too wet, and my checking
account is too low, and my credit card balances are way too high!
Whatever am I to do???????
A. This goes way beyond the subject of cigars, with which I am most
familiar, so I can only tell you what has worked well for others in the
past. Move to Massachusetts, become a senator, and marry an heiress -
not necessarily in that order. Oh, and you might want to learn from the
mistakes of others and not marry an heiress that looks like a Yeti. Unless
you're into that.
<Unabashedly stolen from somebody else>
