Crowd-sourcing some advice from family of recovering addicts

[sean]

So Brothers, I need some help figuring this out, and I know some of you guys have experience with this.

Back story - my baby brother, who I was closest with, got into pills when he was a teen. Through his 20's, he got worse (but none of us really saw the "signs.") I trusted him, and he always used to insist that his symptoms were from working 14+ hours a day, the new baby, a 3 hour/day commute, etc...

Halloween 2012, he finally "decides" to get caught because he thinks that is the only way he could tell his wife he needed help. She boots him out of the house, since she figures out that he had repeatedly endangered both her and the baby, while he also cleaned out their accounts, and played head games with his wife (she has a medical condition, which meant LOADS of painkillers in the house, which he gobbled-up, and tricked her into thinking she was over-medicating). So anyway, he moves back in with my folks, comes clean to all of us, and vows to right those of us who he wronged. But...

My brother is a great bullshitter - he can sell ice cubes to eskimos, and shit - and here it has been almost 1.5 years with no attempt to fix our relationship (but plenty of time to go find himself a new girlfriend, etc...). He says that, after his rehab, he is clean... but I don't trust him.

So here is my question: If I am going to write him off, or wait to see if he wants to fix this shit, what are some of the variables I have to consider?

 

[H3rrington]

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. It is not an easy one at all.

He's family. And it's always hard to turn away family. So if you attempt to work with him set guidelines. He's not to be alone in your house. You won't loan him money. And if he wants to be with you or your family he needs to take a urinalysis first.

It sucks. And it weighs on the heart strings heavy. But it can save you heartache down the road.

 

[Hoshneer]

This is pretty complicated and I don't know if there is an answer. We had some addicts in our family as well and I understand the trust issues. My cousin used to be a great guy but if you trusted him he would steal you blind. I didn't write him off but I limited my exposure to him. He didn't come to our house and we would just see him at family events. He was a good guy and it didn't end well for him in the end. I don't think I regret my actions but I just don't know if there were any better options. They have to want to be different and even when they are it's hard to believe. I now choose to remember him for who he was because what he became wasn't him. This is one thing I know for sure. The variables you need to watch out for is your family. Some of my family always believed he would become different but those are the people that got hurt the most. I know that is a lot to take in but I know from your post you probably already understand.

 

[AlohaStyle]

Hey bro, sorry to hear that you are going through this sh*t... I know it is tough on everyone. Basically you need to decide if he is someone you want in your life enough to deal with the pain that goes along with his issues. If he isn't going to help himself, you need to make a tough decision. Sounds like you have given plenty of chances and who knows if/when he will get through this period of his life. Some people need the tough love and need to hit rock bottom in order to pick themselves up and move on. If you and your family are enabling him, he might not make the decisions needed to help himself. Without knowing the situation, it's hard to give true advice. Only you can know if you should make the tough decision to "move on", or continue with things as is. If you truly have done all you can, then you need to make the decision of keeping on with the BS, or cutting out the BS in hopes that he will make some changes. It will be tough either way.

I wish you well man and hope things turn out for the best.

 

[shadowcam]

As a person who has gone down the road of a serious drug addiction, I feel for you Sean. I was that asshole who took advantage of everyone who loved me. I stole, I lied and I wasted away two years of my life. Any attempt to really fix any relationships and also having the desire to better his life will have to come within your brother. Until he realizes that he has hit rock bottom and wants to change his life, your words will likely not make any difference. I'm not saying to write him off. Give him opportunities to redeem himself. Almost a stepping stone to prove that his going down the right path. There is nothing wrong with being a skeptic. Even if the communication may not be open with you, he needs to be open with someone in your family. It's good that he has opened up to the family and admitted his wrong. Now he needs to leave all the variables in his life that got him to where he is now. Lose all the drug connections, ditch the friends that also gets high with him and most of all he needs have a plan to never get high again. I think having a goal was the only way I got clean. It's way too easy to fall into your habits when you say you want to be clean and do the exact same things in your daily life. He needs get out of his comfort zone. His actions are things you should believe. If he continues to do positive things in his life then the words will slowly become believable. I'm not sure if any of this helps you at all but I figured I could give a perspective from someone on the other side.

 

[GoingPostal]

Man addiction is tough and every case is different some need to feel loved to get clean and others need a swift kick in the ass. Best thing is to find an Nar-Anon or if not one close an Al-Anon group would also work.

I feel your pain man. My father is a compulsive gambler, and growing up it was an emotional rollercoaster. Most time he'd be fine just a poker game on the weekends but then times where he'd cash his paycheck and disappear for a week to Reno. No phone call no word just showed up 4-5 days later act like nothing had happened. The real kicker is that after experiencing that i became a compulsive gambler. addiction is a cruel cycle.

Addiction is a selfish disease addicts cause tremendous pain to those they love but while using addict doesn't care. As i said every case is different but the one common thing i've found is addict doesn't get clean untill his problem becomes his problem. My father didn't get help untill he got booted out the house and me and my siblings stopped having any communication with him. Have you brought up how you feel to your bro? before you write him off make sure he knows how you feel. Also if you do decide to write him off be sure your parents and siblings know why or else your bro may twist it and make you out to be the bad guy.

 

[bigbill72]

Love people trust God.

 

[Headbanger]

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

March 3, 1990 is my clean date and I am very grateful my family did not write me off. I was an asshole to most people, stole things, lost jobs, wrecked cars, and ultimately begged them to let me move back in. Not sure what the brother did to you or to make you not trust him. But giving an addict trust takes time and should be given back in small doses. I do not think you should write off family but do what is best for yourself and your family (wife and kids especially). People will have to hit their own bottoms (jails, institutions, death, pain etc) before they make a true change. Hopefully he is in a 12 step program or getting other help to keep him not only straight, but making positive changes in his life.

 

[Rupe]

I really feel for your situation because I have been there with my sister. Lying, stealing, multiple stints in rehab (including state ordered commitment), halfway houses, psych ward twice after suicide attempts, welfare fraud, check fraud, caught acting as a driver for people moving crack from Chicago to Minnesota (acted as an informant to get out of it), 2 kids from 2 different dads and finally got clean at 38. She then passed away a week shy of her 40th birthday due to the latent affects of the abuse that she inflicted on her body over the course of 20+ years.

I certainly loved her dearly but I reached a point where it became necessary to keep her at arms length. In order to maintain my sanity and protect my family and possessions there really wasn't any other option. Yes, we spoke on the phone sometimes and we did see each other at holidays but for the most part I stayed as far away from her as much as possible. Not easy either considering we lived in the same small town. I never wrote her off but then again I never fully trusted her either. The last year of her life she seemed to be getting it together but she was not quite "there" yet when she died. Previously she had reached an agreement with my parents whereby she had signed custody of her kids over to them and they were just about ready to turn them back over to her. Thankfully they didn't because it would have made things very difficult. Today my nephew is out of the house but my 70+ year old parents are still raising my 15 year old niece.

I'm not saying that this was the perfect way to deal with it and I do have some regrets from time to time but looking back on it I think that it was the best possible way to deal with the situation. Above all else, at the end of the day be sure that you do not put your wife and small children in harm's way. Yes, your brother is family but your own immediate family needs to take precedence here. I'll be praying that you are able to find the best way to cope with and handle the quandary you find yourself in.

 

[sean]

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

March 3, 1990 is my clean date and I am very grateful my family did not write me off. I was an asshole to most people, stole things, lost jobs, wrecked cars, and ultimately begged them to let me move back in. Not sure what the brother did to you or to make you not trust him. But giving an addict trust takes time and should be given back in small doses. I do not think you should write off family but do what is best for yourself and your family (wife and kids especially). People will have to hit their own bottoms (jails, institutions, death, pain etc) before they make a true change. Hopefully he is in a 12 step program or getting other help to keep him not only straight, but making positive changes in his life.

First off, congrats on your sobriety.

That's really the trick: He isn't getting anything to keep him focused on positive changes. After 15 years of abuse, thievery, lying, and general absenteeism - neglecting his role as a brother/best man when I got married, not even trying to help out when my wife was fighting cancer, not showing up for my college graduation, etc... - he went to "rehab" for 6 months, and that was the end. He now thinks that we are supposed to magically, trust, and respect him, while we all do the work to rebuild the relationships for him. I am not okay with that.

I really feel for your situation because I have been there with my sister. Lying, stealing, multiple stints in rehab (including state ordered commitment), halfway houses, psych ward twice after suicide attempts, welfare fraud, check fraud, caught acting as a driver for people moving crack from Chicago to Minnesota (acted as an informant to get out of it), 2 kids from 2 different dads and finally got clean at 38. She then passed away a week shy of her 40th birthday due to the latent affects of the abuse that she inflicted on her body over the course of 20+ years.

I certainly loved her dearly but I reached a point where it became necessary to keep her at arms length. In order to maintain my sanity and protect my family and possessions there really wasn't any other option. Yes, we spoke on the phone sometimes and we did see each other at holidays but for the most part I stayed as far away from her as much as possible. Not easy either considering we lived in the same small town. I never wrote her off but then again I never fully trusted her either. The last year of her life she seemed to be getting it together but she was not quite "there" yet when she died. Previously she had reached an agreement with my parents whereby she had signed custody of her kids over to them and they were just about ready to turn them back over to her. Thankfully they didn't because it would have made things very difficult. Today my nephew is out of the house but my 70+ year old parents are still raising my 15 year old niece.

I'm not saying that this was the perfect way to deal with it and I do have some regrets from time to time but looking back on it I think that it was the best possible way to deal with the situation. Above all else, at the end of the day be sure that you do not put your wife and small children in harm's way. Yes, your brother is family but your own immediate family needs to take precedence here. I'll be praying that you are able to find the best way to cope with and handle the quandary you find yourself in.

Thanks for commiserating with me, Rupe. If you ever want on unofficial little brother, I'll gladly sign up. You and I have so many parallels in our lives, it is really uncanny. If it helps solidify the deal, I'll promise to try lutefisk.

 

[3/5King]

Man addiction is tough and every case is different some need to feel loved to get clean and others need a swift kick in the ass. Best thing is to find an Nar-Anon or if not one close an Al-Anon group would also work.

I feel your pain man. My father is a compulsive gambler, and growing up it was an emotional rollercoaster. Most time he'd be fine just a poker game on the weekends but then times where he'd cash his paycheck and disappear for a week to Reno. No phone call no word just showed up 4-5 days later act like nothing had happened. The real kicker is that after experiencing that i became a compulsive gambler. addiction is a cruel cycle.

Addiction is a selfish disease addicts cause tremendous pain to those they love but while using addict doesn't care. As i said every case is different but the one common thing i've found is addict doesn't get clean untill his problem becomes his problem. My father didn't get help untill he got booted out the house and me and my siblings stopped having any communication with him. Have you brought up how you feel to your bro? before you write him off make sure he knows how you feel. Also if you do decide to write him off be sure your parents and siblings know why or else your bro may twist it and make you out to be the bad guy.

This^^^ addicts are not the only ones who need recovery. Addicts take a tole on family and friends who might need to find help for themselves. You need to find a way to work through this as it shows you are confused and looking for direction. One of these groups posted above might help you find the answers you are looking for. I'm sure you have a lot to get off your chest; a lot of resentments and pent up emotions towards your brother. I'll pray for the two of you and hope you find the answers you're looking for.

 

[javajunkie]

there is a shitload of good advice based on experience here. my take is, i didn't take shit seriously until i had it spelled out for me what i had to do to get back to being a real person. you spend years flying on autopilot, you kinda need someone to lay down the law, as an example later on how to steer yourself. you owe it to him, and more to yourself, to tell him EXPLICITLY where you and he are at socially and emotionally, and what it will take to improve that. and, no, you won't know the entire set up until you get there, but you already have an idea of what it would take to keep him in your life, or you wouldn't be worrying bout it.

in the end, any change will come from him, or it won't really be change, but post a clear sign post. he either follows it home, or wanders off into the wastes. that is all on him.

wish you luck on this, sir.

 

[CWS]

That's really the trick: He isn't getting anything to keep him focused on positive changes. After 15 years of abuse, thievery, lying, and general absenteeism - neglecting his role as a brother/best man when I got married, not even trying to help out when my wife was fighting cancer, not showing up for my college graduation, etc... - he went to "rehab" for 6 months, and that was the end. He now thinks that we are supposed to magically, trust, and respect him, while we all do the work to rebuild the relationships for him. I am not okay with that.

Never write off family. If he is in a 12 step program you should be seeing some distinct patterns:

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. For me this was a tough one. Looking at what I did, how I acted was painful
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Have to tell someone. Can't just say I mad e a list and now Im ok

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. This is the biggy. Telling people that already knew I was an asshole that I was sorry I was an asshole was the worst. Some simply forgave, other did not. There choice
10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

If this is not happening, he is not healing. You have a right to be distrustful. You have a right to be careful. Wait for the signs. If they come great, if not keep waiting. They may come, they may not.

 

[zama80]

Sean, there isn't much else I could offer other than what has already been said. I have been on both sides of this situation. After I got sober, it was still months before my wife trusted me enough to carry cash. I could only use my debit card and had to give her every receipt. I resented it after awhile, but in a meeting one night I was reminded that it was my own actions that caused it.
On the other side of that, I have dealt with addictions with my stepson and my niece. Both of these situations happened after I was sober, so it was easier for me to keep my bottom line with them. My niece has been clean for about a year and a half, but my stepson still drinks and smokes pot, and that is why he is not welcome to live in my house or his grand parents house. You have to set your limits, tell them what your limits are and be willing to make the tough decisions to not let them go last them.
I cannot stress enough the need for you to go to Al-anon or narc-anon. Feel free to contact me anytime if you need to.

 

[LBuzzer]

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. This is the biggy. Telling people that already knew I was an asshole that I was sorry I was an asshole was the worst. Some simply forgave, other did not. There choice

Chuck has it right. Hopefully the day will come when your brother comes to you and says something like "I'm on a life or death mission. I need to make things right with you. This is what I did to you.... I'm sorry for what I did.. What can I do to make things right with you?" And then follows through with it. Making amends is way more than just saying your sorry. I pray that day comes for all of your family. Don't write him off.

 

[Carpenter69]

As a former liar, cheater and stealing alcoholic and drug addict I can say what my family told me initially. Proof is in the putting. Funny you should bring this up today. St.Patricks day 2000 was my last drink or drug. Just pray for him, he's your brother. Underneath all that shit he's the guy you played matchbox cars with. Lol. I'd say be cautious, but trust until he gives reason not to. I sincerely hope this works out for the best. Your family is in my prayers.

 

[Rupe]

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

March 3, 1990 is my clean date and I am very grateful my family did not write me off. I was an asshole to most people, stole things, lost jobs, wrecked cars, and ultimately begged them to let me move back in. Not sure what the brother did to you or to make you not trust him. But giving an addict trust takes time and should be given back in small doses. I do not think you should write off family but do what is best for yourself and your family (wife and kids especially). People will have to hit their own bottoms (jails, institutions, death, pain etc) before they make a true change. Hopefully he is in a 12 step program or getting other help to keep him not only straight, but making positive changes in his life.

First off, congrats on your sobriety.

That's really the trick: He isn't getting anything to keep him focused on positive changes. After 15 years of abuse, thievery, lying, and general absenteeism - neglecting his role as a brother/best man when I got married, not even trying to help out when my wife was fighting cancer, not showing up for my college graduation, etc... - he went to "rehab" for 6 months, and that was the end. He now thinks that we are supposed to magically, trust, and respect him, while we all do the work to rebuild the relationships for him. I am not okay with that.

I really feel for your situation because I have been there with my sister. Lying, stealing, multiple stints in rehab (including state ordered commitment), halfway houses, psych ward twice after suicide attempts, welfare fraud, check fraud, caught acting as a driver for people moving crack from Chicago to Minnesota (acted as an informant to get out of it), 2 kids from 2 different dads and finally got clean at 38. She then passed away a week shy of her 40th birthday due to the latent affects of the abuse that she inflicted on her body over the course of 20+ years.

I certainly loved her dearly but I reached a point where it became necessary to keep her at arms length. In order to maintain my sanity and protect my family and possessions there really wasn't any other option. Yes, we spoke on the phone sometimes and we did see each other at holidays but for the most part I stayed as far away from her as much as possible. Not easy either considering we lived in the same small town. I never wrote her off but then again I never fully trusted her either. The last year of her life she seemed to be getting it together but she was not quite "there" yet when she died. Previously she had reached an agreement with my parents whereby she had signed custody of her kids over to them and they were just about ready to turn them back over to her. Thankfully they didn't because it would have made things very difficult. Today my nephew is out of the house but my 70+ year old parents are still raising my 15 year old niece.

I'm not saying that this was the perfect way to deal with it and I do have some regrets from time to time but looking back on it I think that it was the best possible way to deal with the situation. Above all else, at the end of the day be sure that you do not put your wife and small children in harm's way. Yes, your brother is family but your own immediate family needs to take precedence here. I'll be praying that you are able to find the best way to cope with and handle the quandary you find yourself in.

Thanks for commiserating with me, Rupe. If you ever want on unofficial little brother, I'll gladly sign up. You and I have so many parallels in our lives, it is really uncanny. If it helps solidify the deal, I'll promise to try lutefisk.

You already earned "little brother" status long ago Sean so no need to sign up for that.

As far as lutefisk, I'll leave that to those crazy swedes and Norwegians. I come from German / Polish heritage so it's more about sausage and sauerkraut in my book. Next time we get together we can have a drink to celebrate.

 

[D Quintero]

Give him a big kiss and say , "you broke my heart ! " if he knows whats good for him , he'll wise up

God Bless