Golf Jokes

[Greg]

These are OK...
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective! asks,




"Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?"




"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."













A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and

hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an

opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.







Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.







As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer", to which the man replied:


"Got here in two, didn't I?"





-----------------------------------------------




The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.




She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"?




He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take

all day, is it?"

 

[jwintosh]

ha! how about this one,,,

man and wife, happily married for 30 years, with a weekly ritual of playing golf. every week! well, the oldman decides to let his wife in a long-standing secret. he tells her, "dear, i love you with all my heart. but there was a time, 25 years ago, that i had an affair with my secretary. It only happened once, and i'm ashamed of myself. will you forgive me?" she tells him, "of course dear, but i've got a secret i have to tell you. before we got married, i used to be a man. i had a sex change operation and became a woman. you never suspected, and i didn't have the heart to tell you. well, will you forgive me?" the man becomes absolutely irate! screaming, cussing, breaking his clubs. She tells him that she's sorry and that she never meant to hurt him. still screaming, he yells, "and all these years, every week, you've been teeing off on the ladies tee!"

 

[TexaSmoke]

hahaha

 

[tedski]

:rofl:

 

[Boppa-Wasch]

Some good one's there!!:headroll:

 

[pigwithoutawig]

Here is a oldie...

A dentist tees of and shanks it into the buttercup flower bed. He sees no one is looking and goes ahead and plays it. He swings and the flowers go everywhere. Then a big burst of thunder bangs and God's voice comes down and say, since you destroyed one of my creations you will be deprived of its pleasures. therefore you will never like the taste of butter again...The old man wipes his brow and let's out a sigh.. his partner ask why, and he say's
Two more feet and I would have been in the pussy willows...:bigeyes:

 

[cvm4]

Ehhhhhh, just oooook

 

[Smoke_Eater]

A guy falls in love with a beautiful girl. He decides to propose to her so he says to her, "I like you a lot but before we take our relationship to the next level I just want to be completely honest with you. I want you to know that I eat, sleep, and breath golf. Golf is my life and I hope you are okay with that." The girl then responds, "I want to be honest with you too...I'm a hooker." The guy then says, "That's probably because you're not keeping your hands together on your follow through."

 

[tobby4]

There are some pretty good ones there..

 

[jwintosh]

a new one! actually laughed out loud (of course, everyone else was testing!!)...

A male golfer was preparing to hit his ball from the red ladies tee on the first hole, right in front of the pro shop. As he began his backstroke, a voice boomed over the public address system: "Would the man hitting his ball from the ladies tee, please move it back to the men's tee?!"

He glared over his shoulder, then began again to prepare to hit his ball.

The loudspeaker again shattered the silence, repeating, "Will the man hitting his ball from the ladies tee, please move it back to the white, men's tee?!

At that, the man turned and faced the clubhouse. Cupping his hands on his mouth he hollered, "Will the man in the clubhouse please be quiet, so I can take my second shot?!"

 

[aleam_38]

a new one! actually laughed out loud (of course, everyone else was testing!!)...

A male golfer was preparing to hit his ball from the red ladies tee on the first hole, right in front of the pro shop. As he began his backstroke, a voice boomed over the public address system: "Would the man hitting his ball from the ladies tee, please move it back to the men's tee?!"

He glared over his shoulder, then began again to prepare to hit his ball.

The loudspeaker again shattered the silence, repeating, "Will the man hitting his ball from the ladies tee, please move it back to the white, men's tee?!

At that, the man turned and faced the clubhouse. Cupping his hands on his mouth he hollered, "Will the man in the clubhouse please be quiet, so I can take my second shot?!"

that is great. I myself have done that before, but not in a very long time.

 

[CWS]

As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty,chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.

One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not.

"Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420 yard hole in one!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied,"Who is he going to tell?"

 

[jwintosh]

cute!!

 

[jrohrer]

As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty,chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.

One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not.

"Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420 yard hole in one!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied,"Who is he going to tell?"

:rofl: man...that is just wrong!!!