Why did God invent the shopping cart?
So women could learn to walk upright too!
What's the difference between a woman and a freezer?
A freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out!
What's the difference between a woman and a golf ball?
A golf ball doesn't come back when you hit it!
How can you tell when a woman is having an orgasm?
Who cares!
what do you say to a man with two black eyes?
Who cares he didn't listen the first 2 times you told him
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
A woman gave birth to a baby, and afterward, the doctor said "I have to tell you something, about your baby."
Fear flashed across her face. "What's wrong with my baby?"
The doctore said "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
Confusion clouded her face. "A hermaphrodite? What's that?"
"Well, it means your baby has the...er...features...of a male and a female."
The woman turned pale. "Oh my goodness! You mean my baby has a penis...and a brain?"
What did God say after creating men? I can do better!
What is a man's idea of foreplay? Half hour of begging.
What do beer bottles and men have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.
How many men does it take to change a toilet paper roll. We don't know,it's never been done.
How are men and parking stalls alike? The good ones are always taken and all that's left are handicapped!
Why is it so hard to find men that are caring, sensitive and good looking? Beacause those men already have boyfriends.
What does a woman have with two balls in her hand? A man's undivided attention...!
Adam & Eve
Adam was sulking around the garden , when God asked.....
God: What's wrong Adam , are you not happy with that I have provided to you?
Adam: No , everything is fine , but I am lonely , I would like a mate....
God: You are right I will make you a women....one that will love you with all her heart , she will bathe you , cook and clean for you , she will listen and obey , and provide you with the sweet pleasures of intimacy at any time , day or night.....
{Adam begins to smile}
God: ...But I will need one of your legs to make her with...
{Adam looks down at his legs , and scratches his head...then looking up to God asks....}
" WHAT CAN I GET FOR A RIB "
Why don't men have to use toilet paper ?
Because God made them perfect a***holes.
How do you save a man from drowning ?
Take your foot off his head.
What common factors do men have with a toilet seat,
anniversaries and the clitoris ?
They miss them all, usually by miles
What do men have in common with tiles ?
If you lay them properly the first time, then you can walk
over them forever.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Mystery solved....
It seems that when the good lord was making the world, he called man aside and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but God refused to budge. Then the lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years also. "But I don't need twenty years", said the monkey, "ten is plenty". Man spoke up and said, "may I have the other ten?" The monkey agreed.
Next the lord called on the lion and gave him twenty years. The lion too, wanted only ten. Again man spoke up, "May I have the other ten?" "Of course", said the lion. Then came the donkey who was given twenty but like the others ten was plenty for him. Man asked for the spare years and got them.
This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex; ten years of monkeying around; ten years of lying about, and ten years of making a jackass of himself...
Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
Why do wives wear white?
So all the appliances in the kitchen match.
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open when she brings it to me.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. Boy isn't this the truth!
3 blondes trapped on an island
they find a magic lamp and rub it
a genie pops out and says
"i normally give 3 wishes, but as there are 3 of you it's 1 wish each"
first blonde says
"i'd like to be smart and get off this island"
poof! she turns into a brunette and swims off the island.
second blonde says
" i'd like to be smarter than her and get off this island"
Poof! she turns into a redhead and swims off the island.
third blonde says
"i'd like to be smarter than both of them put together and get off this island"
poof!
She turns into a man and walks across the bridge!
How about this: Why do cavemen drag their women by the hair?
If you drag them by the feet they fill up with dirt.
"Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay."
And finally.................
what's the difference between a job and a wife?
After 10 years the job still sucks!
So women could learn to walk upright too!
What's the difference between a woman and a freezer?
A freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out!
What's the difference between a woman and a golf ball?
A golf ball doesn't come back when you hit it!
How can you tell when a woman is having an orgasm?
Who cares!
what do you say to a man with two black eyes?
Who cares he didn't listen the first 2 times you told him
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
A woman gave birth to a baby, and afterward, the doctor said "I have to tell you something, about your baby."
Fear flashed across her face. "What's wrong with my baby?"
The doctore said "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
Confusion clouded her face. "A hermaphrodite? What's that?"
"Well, it means your baby has the...er...features...of a male and a female."
The woman turned pale. "Oh my goodness! You mean my baby has a penis...and a brain?"
What did God say after creating men? I can do better!
What is a man's idea of foreplay? Half hour of begging.
What do beer bottles and men have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.
How many men does it take to change a toilet paper roll. We don't know,it's never been done.
How are men and parking stalls alike? The good ones are always taken and all that's left are handicapped!
Why is it so hard to find men that are caring, sensitive and good looking? Beacause those men already have boyfriends.
What does a woman have with two balls in her hand? A man's undivided attention...!
Adam & Eve
Adam was sulking around the garden , when God asked.....
God: What's wrong Adam , are you not happy with that I have provided to you?
Adam: No , everything is fine , but I am lonely , I would like a mate....
God: You are right I will make you a women....one that will love you with all her heart , she will bathe you , cook and clean for you , she will listen and obey , and provide you with the sweet pleasures of intimacy at any time , day or night.....
{Adam begins to smile}
God: ...But I will need one of your legs to make her with...
{Adam looks down at his legs , and scratches his head...then looking up to God asks....}
" WHAT CAN I GET FOR A RIB "
Why don't men have to use toilet paper ?
Because God made them perfect a***holes.
How do you save a man from drowning ?
Take your foot off his head.
What common factors do men have with a toilet seat,
anniversaries and the clitoris ?
They miss them all, usually by miles
What do men have in common with tiles ?
If you lay them properly the first time, then you can walk
over them forever.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Mystery solved....
It seems that when the good lord was making the world, he called man aside and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but God refused to budge. Then the lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years also. "But I don't need twenty years", said the monkey, "ten is plenty". Man spoke up and said, "may I have the other ten?" The monkey agreed.
Next the lord called on the lion and gave him twenty years. The lion too, wanted only ten. Again man spoke up, "May I have the other ten?" "Of course", said the lion. Then came the donkey who was given twenty but like the others ten was plenty for him. Man asked for the spare years and got them.
This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex; ten years of monkeying around; ten years of lying about, and ten years of making a jackass of himself...
Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
Why do wives wear white?
So all the appliances in the kitchen match.
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open when she brings it to me.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. Boy isn't this the truth!
3 blondes trapped on an island
they find a magic lamp and rub it
a genie pops out and says
"i normally give 3 wishes, but as there are 3 of you it's 1 wish each"
first blonde says
"i'd like to be smart and get off this island"
poof! she turns into a brunette and swims off the island.
second blonde says
" i'd like to be smarter than her and get off this island"
Poof! she turns into a redhead and swims off the island.
third blonde says
"i'd like to be smarter than both of them put together and get off this island"
poof!
She turns into a man and walks across the bridge!
How about this: Why do cavemen drag their women by the hair?
If you drag them by the feet they fill up with dirt.
"Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay."
And finally.................
what's the difference between a job and a wife?
After 10 years the job still sucks!
