AZsteelman
April 2006 BoM
1) When going to see a new physician, do not bring in your current medications. We love to guess at the names and dosages.
A: For the prices you charge and the run around we get with doctors, this mild inconvenience seems fair.
2) Every time you come in to see the physician makes sure you have at least 15 complaints. We love the challenge of addressing your multitude of issues in a 10 minute period of time. Never under ANY circumstances divide your issues into two separate visits.
A: We figure as mentioned above, you charge so damn much, we may as well try to get our moneys worth. If its such a problem, spend a few more minutes with us instead of rushing off to the country club.
3) When telling your physician about your pain, illness, or issue please either lie or exaggerate. We consider ourselves medical detectives and love a good mystery.
A: Weve figured out over the years that you just think we are making minor aches and pains up, so in order to get your godly attention, its necessary to exaggerate somewhat.
4) When going to your doctors office for a prostate check, its beneficial for the patient to refrain from showering for at least 72 hours. If you must wipe please leave a piece of toilet paper stuck to your rectal hair. There is nothing quite as thrilling as seeing that before lunch.
A: Pardon us if we dont have time in our busy lives earning enough to pay the ridiculous bills we are about to incur to stop at home for a shower and shave. As for the toilet paper stuck to my ass, its a target so you dont lose your place in the exam. From our perspective, theres nothing quite as horrible as having some old man with who knows what on his finger digging around in our ass right before lunch.
5) When a physician must do a hernia check and asks you to remove your pants, you must keep your underwear/boxers on. We like to add to the awkwardness of the situation by asking you to also pull down the boxers. Its also recommended that you roll your eyes and let out an uncomfortable grunt just to let us know you are heterosexual.
A: Sorry if we offend you with this one. How easy would it be to have a homosexual become a doctor just to get to hold mens nuts? This is more awkward for us, since we do it only once in a while, so ease up DAMMIT! Youre lucky we dont piss on your floor while were there or shit on the spot when our balls are touched by a MAN!
6) Please complain about how long you waited in the waiting room, then take up 30 minutes of the physicians time by telling him about your rock collection.
A: If you didnt take customer service as such a minor thing and actually lived by appointments, this wouldnt be such a problem, now would it? Who asked us to be there at 10 and then didnt see us until 11? And dont complain to me about the time wasted with the guy before me, you are the professional, you should know it will happen and plan accordingly. I have to in my business.
7) Every time your physician coughs or sneezes dont you dare say God bless you. Instead use the witty phrase, physician heal thyself.
A: If I though he was that good, I would, but all I see is Doctors complaining about how busy they are and how overworked! If they were that good, they could make everything easier and the need for this thread would be gone!
8) Every time you get a runny nose, you must call the office staff and state it is a medical emergency and you must be seen today.
A: Why would you care, you get to charge my insurance company $500 for my time and inconvenience anyway?
9) When you wake up with a cold at 3 am, please do not ever wait until the morning to get an appointment. Call the emergency number and demand the physician be woken up to call you in an antibiotic.
A: Our experience says this is a must to get waited on by noon. He wont answer his phone until 9 anyway.
10) When you think you have some sort of horrific illness its best to go online to self diagnose. Please bring in all your research and your diagnosis to the physician. Its best if you also have a treatment in mind. It makes our hectic lives much easier.
A: Yep, because if we dont you will drag the diagnosis out for 4 weeks with multiple tests and costs in the Thousands of dollars. We are just trying to give you a head start. We know you are busy and just need some help sorting through all that knowledge you have stored in your little overworked, and overtaxed brain!
A: For the prices you charge and the run around we get with doctors, this mild inconvenience seems fair.
2) Every time you come in to see the physician makes sure you have at least 15 complaints. We love the challenge of addressing your multitude of issues in a 10 minute period of time. Never under ANY circumstances divide your issues into two separate visits.
A: We figure as mentioned above, you charge so damn much, we may as well try to get our moneys worth. If its such a problem, spend a few more minutes with us instead of rushing off to the country club.
3) When telling your physician about your pain, illness, or issue please either lie or exaggerate. We consider ourselves medical detectives and love a good mystery.
A: Weve figured out over the years that you just think we are making minor aches and pains up, so in order to get your godly attention, its necessary to exaggerate somewhat.
4) When going to your doctors office for a prostate check, its beneficial for the patient to refrain from showering for at least 72 hours. If you must wipe please leave a piece of toilet paper stuck to your rectal hair. There is nothing quite as thrilling as seeing that before lunch.
A: Pardon us if we dont have time in our busy lives earning enough to pay the ridiculous bills we are about to incur to stop at home for a shower and shave. As for the toilet paper stuck to my ass, its a target so you dont lose your place in the exam. From our perspective, theres nothing quite as horrible as having some old man with who knows what on his finger digging around in our ass right before lunch.
5) When a physician must do a hernia check and asks you to remove your pants, you must keep your underwear/boxers on. We like to add to the awkwardness of the situation by asking you to also pull down the boxers. Its also recommended that you roll your eyes and let out an uncomfortable grunt just to let us know you are heterosexual.
A: Sorry if we offend you with this one. How easy would it be to have a homosexual become a doctor just to get to hold mens nuts? This is more awkward for us, since we do it only once in a while, so ease up DAMMIT! Youre lucky we dont piss on your floor while were there or shit on the spot when our balls are touched by a MAN!
6) Please complain about how long you waited in the waiting room, then take up 30 minutes of the physicians time by telling him about your rock collection.
A: If you didnt take customer service as such a minor thing and actually lived by appointments, this wouldnt be such a problem, now would it? Who asked us to be there at 10 and then didnt see us until 11? And dont complain to me about the time wasted with the guy before me, you are the professional, you should know it will happen and plan accordingly. I have to in my business.
7) Every time your physician coughs or sneezes dont you dare say God bless you. Instead use the witty phrase, physician heal thyself.
A: If I though he was that good, I would, but all I see is Doctors complaining about how busy they are and how overworked! If they were that good, they could make everything easier and the need for this thread would be gone!
8) Every time you get a runny nose, you must call the office staff and state it is a medical emergency and you must be seen today.
A: Why would you care, you get to charge my insurance company $500 for my time and inconvenience anyway?
9) When you wake up with a cold at 3 am, please do not ever wait until the morning to get an appointment. Call the emergency number and demand the physician be woken up to call you in an antibiotic.
A: Our experience says this is a must to get waited on by noon. He wont answer his phone until 9 anyway.
10) When you think you have some sort of horrific illness its best to go online to self diagnose. Please bring in all your research and your diagnosis to the physician. Its best if you also have a treatment in mind. It makes our hectic lives much easier.
A: Yep, because if we dont you will drag the diagnosis out for 4 weeks with multiple tests and costs in the Thousands of dollars. We are just trying to give you a head start. We know you are busy and just need some help sorting through all that knowledge you have stored in your little overworked, and overtaxed brain!
