Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmm. You are my son, and of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential.
----------------------------------------
Two men are playing a round of golf when they get stuck behind two women. Eventually one of the men walks over
to ask if they can play through. He scuttles back and says, "When I got closer, I realized it was my wife and
mistress," he says. "You go and ask them instead."
The other one walks over to the women but hurries back and says, "Small world."
--------------------------------------------
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. Let's play a game. I'll do absolutely anything you
want for $300, so long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pulls his wallet
out of his pocket and, one at a time, lays three 100-dollar bills on the bar and says slowly, "Paint ... my ... house."
------------------------------------------
A woman asked her grandmother how her grandfather had died. "He had a heart attack while we were making love
one Sunday morning," Granny said. Horrified, the granddaughter told her that two people that old having sex would surely
be asking for trouble. "Oh, no," said Granny. "Many years ago we realized that ringing church bells provided the perfect
rhythm: in on the ding and out on the dong." She paused, wiped away a tear, and continued, "But then the
ice-cream truck came along."
------------------------------------------
Why don't blind people sky dive? It scares the shit out of the dog.
------------------------------------------
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotopus
--------------------------------------------
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel on his penis. The bartender says to him, "You know you've got a ship's wheel
on your penis?" And the pirate says, "Argh, I know. It drives me nuts."
------------------------------------------
One night a man rolls over in bed, giving his wife a big grin. She says, "Not tonight, honey. I have a gynecologist's
appointment tomorrow. I want to stay fresh and clean." The man, feeling rejected, rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls over again and asks his wife, "Do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow?"
---------------------------------------------
There's a bear and a rabbit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Do you have a problem with shit
sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit goes, "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
---------------------------------------------
"Two drivers climb out of their cars after colliding at an intersection. One pulls a flask from his pocket and says, "Here,
have a nip of whiskey to calm your nerves."
"Thanks," says the other driver, taking a swig. "Here, you have one, too."
"Nah, I'd rather not the police will be here soon."
------------------------------------------------
One day a little boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Please send me a sister." Santa Claus wrote him back, "Okay, send me your mother."
--------------------------------------------------
Question: Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?
Answer: Because he was looking for a tight seal.
-------------------------------------------------
This woman goes in for a face-lift, and the doctor says, "We've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your
head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it." She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years.
But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor. "I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains.
The surgeon replies, "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts." "Ah," she sighs, "that explains the goatee."
Dad: "Hmm. You are my son, and of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential.
----------------------------------------
Two men are playing a round of golf when they get stuck behind two women. Eventually one of the men walks over
to ask if they can play through. He scuttles back and says, "When I got closer, I realized it was my wife and
mistress," he says. "You go and ask them instead."
The other one walks over to the women but hurries back and says, "Small world."
--------------------------------------------
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. Let's play a game. I'll do absolutely anything you
want for $300, so long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pulls his wallet
out of his pocket and, one at a time, lays three 100-dollar bills on the bar and says slowly, "Paint ... my ... house."
------------------------------------------
A woman asked her grandmother how her grandfather had died. "He had a heart attack while we were making love
one Sunday morning," Granny said. Horrified, the granddaughter told her that two people that old having sex would surely
be asking for trouble. "Oh, no," said Granny. "Many years ago we realized that ringing church bells provided the perfect
rhythm: in on the ding and out on the dong." She paused, wiped away a tear, and continued, "But then the
ice-cream truck came along."
------------------------------------------
Why don't blind people sky dive? It scares the shit out of the dog.
------------------------------------------
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotopus
--------------------------------------------
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel on his penis. The bartender says to him, "You know you've got a ship's wheel
on your penis?" And the pirate says, "Argh, I know. It drives me nuts."
------------------------------------------
One night a man rolls over in bed, giving his wife a big grin. She says, "Not tonight, honey. I have a gynecologist's
appointment tomorrow. I want to stay fresh and clean." The man, feeling rejected, rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls over again and asks his wife, "Do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow?"
---------------------------------------------
There's a bear and a rabbit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Do you have a problem with shit
sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit goes, "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
---------------------------------------------
"Two drivers climb out of their cars after colliding at an intersection. One pulls a flask from his pocket and says, "Here,
have a nip of whiskey to calm your nerves."
"Thanks," says the other driver, taking a swig. "Here, you have one, too."
"Nah, I'd rather not the police will be here soon."
------------------------------------------------
One day a little boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Please send me a sister." Santa Claus wrote him back, "Okay, send me your mother."
--------------------------------------------------
Question: Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?
Answer: Because he was looking for a tight seal.
-------------------------------------------------
This woman goes in for a face-lift, and the doctor says, "We've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your
head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it." She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years.
But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor. "I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains.
The surgeon replies, "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts." "Ah," she sighs, "that explains the goatee."
