Best Man question and poll

[Headbanger]

I have a very long time friend that I lost touch with for the most part of 15 years. Back toward our high school days, we were best friends. Swim team together, spent weekends watching M-TV all night when they actually showed music videos. Went on double dates, cruised the mall. We were like close brothers. Of course being in the 80's, we dabbled in pot and beer, having a great time doing so.

Then came harder drugs of many types later on in our friendship. We both became drug addicts. I realized I needed help and sought help to get clean. I got that help and surrendered to my addiction, struggling being his Friend knowing he was still using drugs. I tried doing the same for my friend, offering help of any kind once I got more clean time. I have been clean since early 1990 having never turned back to drugs. He has been thru rehab after rehab, half way houses, lived with recovering addicts etc. He even spent some time in jail. All due to his continuing drug addiction. Nothing has worked for him to stay clean. He was in my wedding in 1994 as a groomsman. Since my wedding in 1994, I have lost touch with him almost completely. Only getting a few letters from his jail and occasionally he would call my Fathers house and ask for me.

So yesterday out of the blue, he calls my house saying he is getting married and wants me to be his Best Man. I really am mixed about this. I hardly know him as a man and not spoken to him in over 12 years. He is getting married on St. Patrick's Day, less than 2 months away. He says he goes to meetings now and even attends church bible study. I say that's great. I ask a simple question: When was the last time you used drugs? I was surprised to hear him say he was getting high only 2 months ago. He was a compulsive liar and I would not be surprised if he was still using today.

So what would you do with his request to be his Best Man?

 

[smokem94]

I would stay away like he had the plague! You are not the same person you were when you were friends and he still is. I have never been addicted to anything (well....maybe sex) but I do think it is best to avoid things or people that were associated with the addiction.
Just my 2 cents?

 

[Fox]

Steve, I must agree with Mike. This has bad ju-ju written all over it. Had he been clean for 15 + years it would be a different story. I think it is in your best interest and that of your family that you politely decline. There are too many unknowns here making involvement in his life potential perilous.

 

[MichiganM]

I would decline for the obvious reasons stated already. I think it would be in your best interest to stay far away from a person like this.

 

[Electric Sheep]

I would have great difficulty being someone's best man if I hadn't seen/spoken to them in 12 years...regardless of the drugs.

And I would tell him exactly that.

 

[Headbanger]

I am REALLY mixed up over this and taken by surprise at his call. Even more surprise and miffed at his request of best man.

Thanks for the replies, more replies and poll responses are very much appreciated. The more that are received and posted the better to help in my decision.

 

[Poni]

I would stop being such a pussy, roll up a joint, pack up the Sin Bin, and smoke it out all the way wedding.

just kidding... :smile:

It must be a very odd situation after 12 years, that is a long time. I can understand you delima if you want to help your old friend out. But if you feel you no longer know him as a man, and he's still up to old tricks, then that pretty much anwsers you question, don't go.

What will probably happen if you do go is, since he's still using, you'll start talking about old times. A lot of which you have put behind you and forgotten. That may put you back in an uncomfortable situation you don't want to be in, especially now that you have a wife and children.

Some people are beyond help if they don't want to help themselves.

Tell him you have a Herf that day.

 

[brainvictim]

I would decline the request to be his best man, but would probably attend the weding. Like stated before the conversation will most likely drift towards remembering the old days, as good a times as they were, that is not where you are today, so you will have to think if thats what you feel comfortable talking about.

 

[Poni]

One other question that may help your decision:

Would you like to keep in touch with this guy after the wedding?

 

[tedski]

To me, being the Best Man at a wedding indicates that you are the closest / longest friend of the groom. Your friend obviously still holds your friendship in high regard, but I find it odd for him to ask you to perform this function after 12 yrs of almost zero contact. Maybe he is trying to get his life together, but the admission of using drugs recently still indicates a very weak resolve.

If this were me, I would politely decline to be Best Man, but still offer to attend the wedding. That way if you decide the event feels uncomfortable (possibly due to the attendance of his current circle of friends), you can bug out without much of an impact. If nothing else you can see for yourself what kind of person your friend has become.

 

[Rank_Tyro]

Whoops, hit the wrong option and voted!

I would attend the wedding, but I wouldn't take on the duties of the Best Man. That should probably be done by someone who has been closer to him in the past few years.

Personally I have been best man at 4 weddings, I think I could fake my way through it if I needed to. My fee would be a plane ticket, and at least $50 bucks.

 

[calebnobbe2003]

I think I am going to go against the grain on this one. I would accept I would imagine that he is asking you cause he has no one else to ask. I am sure he could use a friend at this point in his life. Sounds like is making an effort to get staright, so a little help from an old friend might be what he needs! And at worst it is one night with an old friend. After that if you don't want to talk to him no more then don't. But at least you cam come away from the whole thing knowing you tried to help! Just my .02 cents

 

[Headbanger]

Caleb, yours and one co worker share those same thoughts. If he is truly reaching out, would make me feel pretty bad to refuse his offer.

He has know of sobriety, been offered every opportunity for help from everyone for 17 years. If he has not gotten the message nor can stay clean before his only marriage, IMO he and his fiancé would best not to get married till he has cleaned up for 1 year or more. For sure another phone call or two and meeting with him must be done before I make any decisions, possibly even talk/meet his bride to be to better understand what is going on.

 

[calebnobbe2003]

yeah sounds like a tough spot to be. I wish you luck and I am sure you will make the decision that is best for everyone involved!

 

[caudio51]

My initial reaction is to close the door immediately but I have other thoughts.

If he is indeed working to get clean, start anew with his new wife, this might be an opportunity for you to really help out an old friend with your experiences of truely getting clean.

On the other hand, he could be full of it and up to his old ways.

I think you need to speak with him some more, maybe do dinner to get a feel for how he is these days.

It certainly is not a fair request of his in the manner in which it was done.

 

[CWS]

Pass. PM sent.

 

[Headbanger]

Pass. PM sent.

Rec'd and replied to, TYVM.

 

[pharmgator]

Ask your sponsor

 

[CWS]

Ask your sponsor

Even better response. :thumbsup:

 

[Headbanger]

I am not working step nor attending meeting any longer. The 12 step principles I try to use in my daily life. Been about 7 years since my last meeting. You guys are my sponsors and mentors for this one.