ChefBoyRG54
BoM Sept '14 & BoY 2014
Thankfully. Good to be back
Sobriety Thread
- Thread starter zama80
- Start date
@bigbill72 and @ChefBoyRG54 ,
I don't know what's worse, all your stupid comments or the fact that I read them?
I don't know what's worse, all your stupid comments or the fact that I read them?
ChefBoyRG54
BoM Sept '14 & BoY 2014
How humid is it at Bill's house?
Your reading them trumps all our stupid comments. Now you know. Your welcome.
Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk
I along with several others are here for you when you decide enough is enough. Its tough at first but the benefits soon outway the challenges. I've been sober 4 months 9 days.
8ball
Ruler of Grayskull
It's worth it, trust me. AA has changed my life. It's not easy, but if you truly want it, it'll work. Please feel free to pm me for any advise as I'm still only recently sober and approaching 90 days.
8ball
Ruler of Grayskull
Guys, I need some serious advice on making my amends.
I've overcome and realize my character defects and am making amends to those I've harmed. Which brings me to past friends and ex's. I'm married for 10 years, but I've had deep resentments toward ex's and I only now know my part in the failure of those relationships. The other day, I located my ex online (obviously did not contact), saw that she is married and has kids, and felt truly happy for her (can you tell I'm growing?)
I've decided to not openly contact any since this could bring potential harm, but I do wish to explain myself if it was presented. I don't dwell on it, but It would be nice if ex's and old friends from my past at least see that I'm living well and have a family that I care about and not remember me as the self centered alcoholic drunk that I was.
I'm debating about joining Facebook for this reason. Have any of you guys gone through anything like this? I'm sure some people wonder if I'm still even alive (then again maybe not). I'd be at peace if I could make amends to these people, but I am worried about opening up a can of worms. I'm proud of my family, but still think of old girls and friends from time to time. Any advise is appreciated.
I've overcome and realize my character defects and am making amends to those I've harmed. Which brings me to past friends and ex's. I'm married for 10 years, but I've had deep resentments toward ex's and I only now know my part in the failure of those relationships. The other day, I located my ex online (obviously did not contact), saw that she is married and has kids, and felt truly happy for her (can you tell I'm growing?)
I've decided to not openly contact any since this could bring potential harm, but I do wish to explain myself if it was presented. I don't dwell on it, but It would be nice if ex's and old friends from my past at least see that I'm living well and have a family that I care about and not remember me as the self centered alcoholic drunk that I was.
I'm debating about joining Facebook for this reason. Have any of you guys gone through anything like this? I'm sure some people wonder if I'm still even alive (then again maybe not). I'd be at peace if I could make amends to these people, but I am worried about opening up a can of worms. I'm proud of my family, but still think of old girls and friends from time to time. Any advise is appreciated.
If you're truly happy for her, brother, then you've already made amends.
8ball
Ruler of Grayskull
Well, that was more like my resentment that I got rid of. It would be nice to leave a better legacy than Eric, the self centered drunk a$$hole that a lot of people remember me as.If you're truly happy for her, brother, then you've already made amends.
It's hard to explain unless you've been through the program, but it's Kind of like my brother in law. He destroyed my sisters marriage and became a heroin addict. He's had multiple warrants out and is always getting into trouble. If I never see him again (probably won't), that's how I'll remember him. However, if I find out that he cleaned himself up and lives/lived a nice life, my attitude would change about him.
Of course, you don't want to be a "step skipper" a la Seinfeld!
I guess my question is, how far do the amends need to go? I'm willing to bet that the facebook thing would allow you to put it out there that you're sober and sorry for being a deke at times. But like you said, that whole can of worms thing is possible. Sounds to me like you have to use good discernment as to who needs an apology and who you should leave out of it...
8ball
Ruler of Grayskull
Yeah, im thinking that, but not seeking it out ya know. If an ex or someone wanted to contact me i could simply explain my misdoings, but under no circumstance contact them first. I explained it to my wife and she understands.Of course, you don't want to be a "step skipper" a la Seinfeld!
Here's my .02, take it for what it's worth....
Talk with your sponsor. Talk with God. Talk with your peers at meetings. Read Step 9 in the 12 & 12. Meditate and pray. If you find that you honestly owe amends and won't cause further harms to your family or theirs, then do so; be transparent with everyone around you to show that your purpose is to act in God's will, not your own.
This is the problem, and in my opinion, why you're having trouble. Making amends is about righting the wrongs that you did while you were drinking. In one book: "Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us." Having people in the past seeing that your doing well is great, but that's a function of ego, I think. No one wants to think "All my ex's think I'm a piece of shit." However, to set out to prove otherwise under the guise of making amends will end bad. Reaffirm your Third step regarding God's will, and having the right motives.
Talk with your sponsor. Talk with God. Talk with your peers at meetings. Read Step 9 in the 12 & 12. Meditate and pray. If you find that you honestly owe amends and won't cause further harms to your family or theirs, then do so; be transparent with everyone around you to show that your purpose is to act in God's will, not your own.
8ball
Ruler of Grayskull
thanks, bro. Yeah, I can guarantee that ego is in there somewhere. My drinking has affected those relationships, but me reaching out could put them in danger. Most of my guilt is gone, but wish I could send out a brief explanation and be done with it. I know it would let me bury everything, but unfortunately, I don't think it's going to be that easy. This is a tricky situation.
8ball
Ruler of Grayskull
Well said!
ChefBoyRG54
BoM Sept '14 & BoY 2014
Ara kind of nailed it, even though I hate to say it.
8, we....became willing to make amends to them all.
Not, we made amends to them all.
9, made direct amends wherever POSSIBLE, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Injure could mean physically, mentally, or emotionally. Even though you're ready, they may not be. Nor may they ever be.
This is where trusting the process is ever so critical. If you trust the process is working (which it appears it is from your updates, and I know it does from my experience) then your opportunities to make amends will present themself in due time. You don't have to seek them out like some crazy, apologetic nuisance who needs his own closure no matter the cost. This causes more harm...thus more future amends
Don't let me complicate this. Keep it simple and let things come to you. You may find in your own time that the best amends are just to not be that guy anymore or not do that BS any more. Doesn't mean you have to go back to every kid you made fun of in high school to tell them they are a winner. Just go with the recovery flow and....wait for it.....more will be revealed!!!
Bottom line, don't use today and everything will be alright. Keep it up, we're all proud of you!