Headbanger Needs Advise

[Headbanger]

Maybe I should have made the poll results of the voters secret. You guys are voting too honest. I would choose #4 as any of this gets to her, the buying of cigars would stop immediately as well as the nookie.

This is more a guilty issue and knowing this is not right. I have not lied, but by not telling her what I am doing and how much I am spending, I am feeling less comfortable with this. I started digging a small hole that has become a very large hole that is burying me. When my gut does this to me, the gut is never wrong. My gut is telling me to tell her something about my cigars. Just deciding when and how is the question. The what to do with the wine cooler, cooler, and the sticks is secondary.

Thanks again for the honestly. I needed a does of reality and am getting it.

 

[Wasch_24]

You could just tell her a friend of yours from work just got into cigars, so he ordered a crap load to try the different ones. Unfortunately he doesn't have a humidor yet, so he wants you to store them for him in your basement. Which so happens they fill up your cooler which you have been wanting to bring home anyway.
Then one day when you know she's gonna be home have someone call your home, when she answers have them ask for you. when she says your not home he could tell her that he just wanted to thank you for storing his stash.:thumbsup:

Dude...you NEVER cover a lie with a lie!


NEVER NEVER NEVER

 

[CWS]

You could just tell her a friend of yours from work just got into cigars, so he ordered a crap load to try the different ones. Unfortunately he doesn't have a humidor yet, so he wants you to store them for him in your basement. Which so happens they fill up your cooler which you have been wanting to bring home anyway.
Then one day when you know she's gonna be home have someone call your home, when she answers have them ask for you. when she says your not home he could tell her that he just wanted to thank you for storing his stash.:thumbsup:

:devilhead Don't listen to the voices :devilhead Don't listen to the vocies :devilhead Don't listen to the voices.

Lies, even little white lies twist themselves in your soul and gradually eat away at what little peace of mind you have. It never works. It always backfires. Don't do it.

 

[Headbanger]

That did not work in my druggie days 20 years ago and will not today. I am not trying to lie or cover up here.

Step 1, Admit you have a problem.
Step 2, Admit you do not have all the answers.
Step 3, Ask for help. :help: :flagger:

 

[avid toker]

It was nice to have met you Steve.

So wrong Geoffrie but oh so funny.......don't listen to him Steve. Come clean. No matter what happens Steve, you can always shack up in Geoffrie's bathtub and you guys can herf everyday.

But in all seriousness, I believe honesty is the best route :innocent:

 

[Matthew]

Steve's big sale will begin at 6:00.

 

[Wasch_24]

:rofl:

 

[avid toker]

Seriously Steve, listen to Matthew. That's not a bad idea. I know it sucks but at least you've learned a lesson, you won't have to lie to the wife and you'll pay off the credit card.

 

[DocLogic77]

Agreed CWS...I think many of us have learned that the hard way.

 

[geoffrie]

Re balls, I can always go the Todd way (snip snip).

Nice knowing you also Geoffrie, TYVM for the support, your definatly better than a jock strap.

Really, I may just leave them here and let things work themselves out. by me not being open, I have backed myself into a corner for sure.

Ok ... here goes.

Tell her you purchase cigars. You give them as gifts. You get them as gifts. You send some to clients. (All probably true)

And now you found a nice way to store them (the wine cooler) so you want to move it from the office to home so you can enjoy them more.

Next depends on how you as a couple manage your money. Of course everything is "ours" but if you each have some discretionary spending allowance then the purchase details are not important but acknowledge them.

Else if all spending is from one joint account, you'll need to let her know about the purchases in some more detail.

Sooner or later you need to fess up. And even if it's not quid pro que expect a little more discretionary spending on her part. And that's where you manage/balance your purchases.


Don't just let the chips fall where they may. Having some experience with falling chips you can still manage this. You're definately gonna take a hit. But you can manage this short of castration.

... and I call dibbs on the Partagas when Steve has his sale ;-)

 

[Fox]

. . .snip. . .This means spending money for her (no questions asked) and spending money for you (no questions asked). Anything outside of that needs to be discussed and agreed upon. . .snip. . .

Steve, we have been married for almost 25 years. We decided on the above at the beginning. It has worked wonderfully. It forces discipline in those times when you do not have extra cash to "agree upon". You have to save your allowance, so to speak, and spend your money wisely. It also forces you to think fairly because each of you want things that cannot always be covered with said allowance. You need to bargain; you get, she gets, you get, etc. When we want something, we discuss it and plan for it.

As for your current dilemma, take the pain and heartache and deal with it straight on. Women appreciate honesty in these kinds of situations, even though it hurts. However, they want to be assured that they can trust you again. It sounds to me like you are feeling guilty about your betrayal of your wife's trust, and that is as it should be. The trust has been damaged and will take some time to heal. Postponing the decision is only going to make for a more difficult resolution.

 

[Jwrussell]

I think you've got about all the advice that can be given bro'. That is without us knowing the nitty gritty details of how you two handle your finances (joint account, seperate accounts, both, etc.).

I assume that what you've spent wasn't money that was "yours to spend" (so to speak) anyway, or you wouldn't be struggling with this.

 

[Eric]

My advice: Don't buy any cigars for awhile and gradually bring the ones from the office to the house.

 

[Headbanger]

You are all spot on, thus why I posted here. I need to open up the ears and shut the mouth (NO COMMENTS PLEASE).

Mostly I have taken money from smaller sales bonuses, extra cash, sales expenses, and ALL extra money I can find, sales of box splits or 5 packs etc.. Then get money orders, pay what I can each month, then destroy the credit card bill to hide paper trail. There is the deceit and there is the new found guilt. The normal cash flow of payroll and sales commission checks goes right into joint account, which I handle 100% of this. Which pays everything else. OK, now I have come clean. Next step, stop buying cigars for a while. Maybe not bring home the wine cooler. Have sit down with the wife. Protect nuts from being smashed. Prepare to sleep on couch for a while.

Got it, please post more if you like. There may be more people out there with different viewpoint or say same thing that works better for me. This could also help others.

 

[Quadry]

I think the easiest and maybe best thing is just to not buy for a while and sell some of your excess stuff, unless you just want to hang on to them. Every now and then I will get a wild hair and go buy some stuff, then I start to wonder if I really need it and will move some smokes that I have been thinking of selling.

I am all for honesty, but are you going to tell her to make you feel better or will this in some way help your marriage. My opinion is that it will hurt the marriage for a while and to me that is not good. Just try and rectify some of it buy selling if you can pull yourself to do that and it will also help pay some on the CC.

To me this is a "Don't poke the bear situation.":boxing:

 

[Jwrussell]

OK, I need to clarify something here. Steve, are you saying all your box purchases have come from EXTRA cash? Cash that would have been yours to spend anyway?

If so, that changes things. Bring it home, and be prepared for some huffiness, but there's no reason to feel all that bad. You need to stop giving the wife a hard time about purchases and maybe pick her up something nice, but if the money is yours anyway there really shouldn't be much to argue about.

That doesn't change the fact that you should probably slow down a bit ya cigar buyin' freak! :wink:

 

[smokem94]

Man......it is SOOOOOO easy for us to say come clean, but I know your dilemna.:bickering
Just a thought or alternative although contrary to the sentiment thus far......take the cooler and cigars home and tell her you bought them from someone who had to give up smoking due to a heart condition. He hated to let them go, but let them gor relativley cheaply?:devil:




OR fluff up the couch and let the masturbation begin!:grin:

 

[Wasch_24]

:rofl: @ Mike

 

[Headbanger]

Used mostly extra money that I have earned from sales. Very little from normal shared income. Things are a little tight at home and I would have to say due to the box buying that wife does not know about.

So far, stop buying cigars and bring small cooler full of cigars home to open up talk seems to be my path at this point. I think keeping wine cooler at work is best at this time.

 

[mitchthephoneman]

Steve, answer the following questions and you will find the answer to your original post.....

Who's name is the Mortgage in????
Who's name is the car's registered under????
Who pays the utility bills????
Who is the handyman around the house????