Tell us a joke.

[King Kill 33]

Grandpa and grandson are driving in the car.
Grandson - Grandpa, can I drive?
Grandpa - Can your dick touch your ass?
Grandson - No it can't
Grandpa - Then I guess your not old enough
Grandpa lights up a cigar as they continue driving
Grandson - Can I have one too?
Grandpa - Can your dick touch your ass?
Grandson - No it can't
Grandpa - Then I guess your not old enough
Grandpa pulls into a gas station for fuel. They go inside and he buys his grandson a scratch and win ticket. The grandson scratches it and low and behold, he is a million dollar winner.
Grandpa - So... You going to share some of that with your ol grandad?
Grandson - Grandpa, can your dick touch your ass?
Grandpa (smiling) - Why yes it can!
Grandson - Then go fuck yourself

KK33

 

[SDShark]

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.

"Can I touch it?"

"No way -- you already broke yours off!"

 

[rev.b]

Lol hellz yes

 

[MoJo]

Joe flacco.

 

[mistaforty]

Ok ok ok so this guy is building a house and he's exacting to very last degree. Every measurement every room every inch of the driveway. He's on the builder from start to finish every hour of every day of every week for 9 months. Finally the home is built and they are doing the walk through. He's adamant that everything is to spec and to plan. Every detail. Then at the end of the inspection the builder with pride, pulls out one more brick and says we are even under budget. This drives the man instantly crazy. He is incensed and scream get rid of it my an was perfect!!!! So the builder looks at the brick and ...the man ...the brick and he throws it. And it goes a loooooong looooooonggggg way.

Ahahahahahahahababababahhajhahahahahahahababahaha

 

[Guarantee]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[icehog3]

Huh??

 

[Guarantee]

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"

 

[Agentskull]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Haha. Awesome

 

[Heath]

A City slicker decided after working at a desk job in the cities for 30 years that he wanted to retire to the country and have a hobby farm.

He bought a nice 10 acre hobby farm, moved his family and possessions into the house and was very pleased. Now he needed to get some farm animals.

He was new to this, so he decided to walk down the long gravel road to visit his neighbors who were all farmers and see if he could purchas a few animals to get him started.

He came to the first farm on his left, walked up the dirt driveway and greeted the farmer. He told him he wanted to buy a rooster. The farmer looked at hime and replied "Around here we don't call them roosters, we call them cocks".

He thanked him for letting him know and then said he wanted to buy a cock if the farmer had one he could sell him. The farmer said he would be more than glad to sell him one, stuck a deal, and the city slicker continued down the gravel road on to another farm with his cock under one arm.

The city slicker comes to the next farm, walks up the dirt driveway again, looks around for the farmer, then tells him he is looking to purchase a hen. The farmer replied "Around here we don't call them hens, we call them pullets".

The city slicker thanked the farmer, then said he would like to purchase a pullet if he could from the farmer. The farmer said he has plenty to spare and would be glad to sell him one.

They struck a deal and the city slicker was on his way again down the gravel road, now with one cock and one pullet under each arm.

He reached the last farm on the end of the road, walked up to the farmer and told him he was interested in purchasing a mule, and asked if he had one he could sell. The farmer replied "Around here we don't call them mules, we call them Ass's".

Again, the city slicker thanked the farmer and said he would like to purchase an Ass if he had one he could spare.

The farmer said he had only one he could spare, and that is was a hard working Ass, but he did have a catch. The city slicker was a little concerned and asked what was wrong with the Ass. The farmer said the mule will be working and pulling nice and hard, and then suddenly stop dead in his tracks, BUT all you had to do was scratch him behind his ear, and he would go right back to work.

The city slicker thought that was no real big deal and that he could easily handle that. So city slicker struck up a deal with the farmer and decided to head home with a cock under his right arm, a pullet under his left arm, and the Ass walking beside him.

He was almost home when the Ass stopped dead in his tracks right in front of a lady working in her flower garden along the road.

The city slicker looked a little distressed, so the lady asked if she could help him. He replied......."Could you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my Ass?"

 

[rev.b]

Lol

 

[blueboy714]

For pet lovers everywhere, here is a lesson on how to give a cat a pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and find out if Oxyclene will really remove blood from carpet.

10 . Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15 . Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any dogs.


How to give a dog a pill:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

 

[rev.b]

Hahahahaha

 

[Guarantee]

Now that is funny as hell!!!

 

[Guarantee]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants off, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

 

[Agentskull]

Now if only I(my fiancee) didn't have four cats...

 

[Agentskull]

I am going to love this thread. You guys are killing me.

 

[d-boy]

Hahahahahahaha blue boy that was awesome

 

[D Quintero]

Knock knock...

 

[rev.b]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants off, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

Hahahahaha that's frigging awesome!