Well, I was going to smoke that Fighting Cock that’s been bouncing around my tupperdor for about a year, but with all that stuff about prison rape I just couldn’t bring myself to put the thing in my mouth. I also wasn’t sure if it was okay to use a regular cutter, or if I had to circumcise it. I imagine it would be pretty hard to find a rabbi on Memorial Day. So instead I reach for the….
Consuegra
Country: Honduras
Size: robusto
Consuegras are General Cigar seconds. Stuff like Punch, Hoyo de Monterrey, Excalibur, El Rey del Mundo. Who knows which one this is – there are conversion charts out there on the interwebs, where you can figure out the exact dimensions of your Consuegra and match it up to the regular production line sizes to determine if you maybe have a Punch, HdM or one of about 5 other cigars because they make quite a few in the same size - but who can honestly be bothered to make that kind of effort? Not me.
Prelight question: with firsts like those, who needs seconds? I’m not a snob and I’ve enjoyed some General and Altadis stuff, but it’s not like any of them are wonderful, fine cigars. Two of the worst cigars I had last year were made by them. I’m always happy to try one out (and am still gradually working my way through two of those newbie humidor samplers) but I’d never pay MSRP for one. Hell, I’d never bid $2 for one on C-Bid. Does anyone really desire them so badly that they’d seek out seconds? This one was in a batch of house brands and other cheapos I got for the price of shipping from a guy on another forum.
He must have had it for a long, long time. Check out this yellow cellophane:
Prelight is mild, and just kind of
normal.
Lighting up with my trusty Bic, I get a big hit of cedar, which I like. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all! I guess a 2nd which retails for $2 is a dog rocket by definition, but so far this doesn't taste like one. I'm guessing the age has something to do with it. Whatever it used to be has mellowed into a decent, inoffensive smoke. It’s light and creamy, with a medium-light body. I feel my defenses lowering and shoulders relaxing a little.
But wait – my Spidey sense is starting to tingle. There’s something not right here… something sour I'm not quite sure about. Could it be the infamous, disturbing yet piquant flavor of prison rape coming through? Or perhaps yak’s ass? How does one tell the difference? Whatever, it's seriously up-front and I’m really not digging it, brothers. My opinion of this cigar is rapidly declining.
I had a Gurkha Symphony once that tasted like soup, and I actually liked it. “Savory” seems to be a legitimate cigar flavor. Reviewers often mention things like bread and salt. But this is more like sour milk. No, I’ve got it -
yogurt, that's it! The unflavored kind, unfortunately. Some nice cherry or blueberry would be pretty welcome right now.
The generic mild tobacco flavor and cedar are still there, but combined with the yogurt it’s actually a little revolting. More than a little. And that’s not all. A lot of General Cigars have a cigarette-like taste on the retrohale to me, and this is no exception. Not as bad as the dreaded Cohiba Red Dot, but it’s definitely there. It gives a cheap and nasty edge to an otherwise innocent, unassuming cigar - like finding out that the cute, bubbly librarian is a syphilitic crack-whore. Here's proof that I persevered in the face of such depravity:
Perfect char line, though it’s burning a little fast. In fact, I don't think I've ever had a robusto go this fast. Something for which I’m grateful. More than halfway there already, and it's still all cedar, yogurt, and Marlborough Lite. At least it's consistent. Weirdly I'm getting a little tongue bite, like when you smoke a pipe too fast. But God knows I'm not smoking this thing fast.
I started out feeling guilty for smoking such a pleasant stick and passing it off as a dog rocket. But now I'm feeling angry and resentful. Smoking this cigar is like passing through the seven stages of death psychologists talk about - denial, anger, depression, acceptance etc. I feel duped. I was open-minded, ready to accept it for what it is without prejudice… and it betrayed me with cheap cigarettes stubbed out in unflavored sour yogurt. Maybe the even burn was due to being treated with saltpeter, like they do with cigarettes. Maybe the filler was dyed reconstituted tobacco treated with freon and ammonia, and fermented in yogurt. At this point I’d believe anything, and I trust no one. The cellophane that once impressed me with it's "age that money can't buy" now looks like a discarded used condom that's been lying out in the sun for two years.
I know stubbing out a cigar is bad etiquette, but I feel I need to get revenge on this stick and teach it a lesson it will never forget. So without further ado…..
DIE, DIE, DIE.....!!!